Wednesday, February 19, 2014



Genre: NA Contemporary Fantasy


Blood magic drives you mad. So does family. Twenty-year-old witch Rose LeFey has problems with both, especially when she discovers members of the other magical races imprisoned in her Aunt Sorcha’s basement. Sorcha has stolen their blood, and is using it to re-ignite an ancient conflict.

Determined to stop Sorcha’s war, Rose and the escapees pursue Sorcha to the gates of the fae city, deep within the Cascade Mountains. There’s just one problem—when Rose releases Dar, a werewolf, she accidentally triggers a forbidden mate-bond between them.

As lust tears at Rose’s hard-earned self-control, Sorcha divines a deadly virus that feeds her power with every life it takes. To defeat her, Rose must harness her own deadly magical talents without letting them consume her. If she fails, she’ll become the weapon her aunt wanted all along. If she succeeds, she’ll break all Sorcha’s spells – and her own heart.

First sentence:

All witches liked their accessories. Even the bad ones. 


  1. PITCH:
    I like your hook. You have a slam-packed story here based on this pitch. I see witches, werewolves, and fae..oh my! It sounds like it would be a fantastic read. FYI: In P3, you use the word deadly 2X. Maybe consider another word.

    Your first sentence is actually two, and while I really dig it, I'm trying to figure out what is bad. Are the accessories bad or are the witches bad.

  2. This sounds like something I would read. I love the concept of blood magic. I wasn't sure if Rose releases Dar on purpose or accident? What about using the word "yearning" vs. "lust" only because lust to me doesn't imply love. And the last sentence in your pitch sounds like she falls in love. I wasn't sure if "her" in the sentence "Sorcha divines a deadly virus that feeds her power" is referring to Sorcha or Rose. Maybe make the first sentence of the second paragraph two separate sentences for clarity. Anyways the first sentence works for me and I would read on, but I do agree with the comment above that I wasn't sure if you were referring to the witches or the accessories.

  3. Love this concept and I can tell from your pitch you’re a good writer! Consider : Sorcha stole their blood, and intends to use it to re-ignite an ancient conflict. It makes it a little more active.

    I’m intrigued by the forbidden mate-bond with a werewolf – sounds exciting!

    I think you could take out “all” in your last sentence, or add “all of” (although I’m aware of the word count tightness here :D)

    This sounds like a fun read; all the best with it!

  4. Any time an accidental life match gets triggered, the story is bound to be good. Interesting premise. Good luck!

  5. I think this is a little confusing. 1. "members of the other magical races" this is kind of a mouth full and bogs down the sentence. Can you just say she learns her aunt is keeping prisoners, then say what they are? Or something. I'd just try to rephrase it a little. 2. In the second paragraph you say "the escapees" Did you MC help them escape? Or they just happened to escape? I feel like we missed something between those two paragrahs. 3. This confused me too: "a deadly virus that feeds her power with every life it takes." Can you just keep this simple and say, "Aunt Sorcha gets stronger with every like she takes" Well, wait. Its a virus, and she gains power from everyone who dies from it? Maybe expand on the virus part. Who is it effecting? is it spreading around the town, the world? Is it a big epidemic and Aunt Sorcha is getting crazy powerful from it? Sounds interesting but I really only guessing here. I think you can do more to show us all the coolness here. Of course, I'm sure some of this is because of the word limit but I bet you can cut some elsewhere to expand of that last part (or just keep it simple like I said and let them read it for themselves)

    Good luck!

  6. You've already got some great advice here. I agree that certain portions of the pitch are a little confusing, but there's definitely a compelling story that will shine once you make a few clarifications. Good luck!

  7. I agree with the above and really like the humor of the first sentence. Just need to use and em dash to connect the 2 sentences and also add --even the bad witches to clarify. Sounds like fun! Good luck!

  8. Sounds like a great novel! Good Luck!

  9. T'hanks for your comments everyone! The edits and suggestions are really helpful (and I'll definitely get rid of that pesky repeated word!)

  10. What I Liked: Great verve and I love to see MG Fantasy

    What I would like: I was also a little bit confused by all the different facets of the plot. One thing reading all these pitches has made me realize is that simplifying the plot is important- and I imagine agents read these things even faster.

    Great Job!


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