Wednesday, February 19, 2014



Genre: Contemporary MG


Soon-to-be seventh grader Suzie Martin is happy to find a friend in the new boy in the neighborhood, science prodigy Joshua Jacobs. He makes friendship – something Suzie’s never quite gotten the hang of – look easy. She looks forward to a great year, until she learns Joshua believes his dead father visits him through time travel.  
As the news spreads, she must decide whether to stand by a friend she doesn’t believe even if it means losing her newfound acceptance at school, standing up to the school bully, and defying her own family.  In a few short months, Suzie learns more about friendship, fear, hope and the spacetime continuum than she ever thought possible.

First sentence:
There was nothing about you, your mother or the moving truck to warn me about what to expect from you, Joshua Jacobs.


  1. This sounds great! My only suggestion is that you might want to look at the proximity of similar words."Look easy" and "looks forward" are a bit close together in the first paragraph, and "stand by a friend" and "standing up to the school bully" come quickly in the second paragraph. Maybe you could change the latter to "facing down the school bully" or something along those lines?

    That's fairly minor, though. For the most part, I like this a lot!

  2. This sound fascinating! I love the juxtaposition of stuff going down and school, and weird stuff going on in outside-of-school life. Makes for a broader, more compelling story. I love that you hint but don't outright tell us that Joshua might be telling the truth. That was beautifully done and quite subtle.

    Good luck! :)

  3. I like the pitch, but I think you could tighten up your first sentence. Maybe something like:

    There was nothing about Joshua Jacobs, his mother, or the moving truck to warn me about what would happen next.

    I think what is bothering me is the two you's in the first sentence. I know minor quibble, but it is the first sentence and set the tone for the rest of the book.

  4. This spoke to me. Already both characters are super appealing and I know a lot about them. They seem intelligent and sweet, which is a rarity! Love the last line of your pitch. I also actually like the first line of the book as is because it gives me her voice speaking directly to Joshua. I want to to keep reading!!

  5. I love a good friendship story and this sounds like one. I like the opening of the pitch, but I'm confused by the first line of the second paragraph. There's a lot going on in that one line so I'd tighten it. I also like her speaking directly to Joshua. Good luck.

  6. I love the premise of your story, but the first line of the second paragraph confused me. The whole "whether to" makes me think it is a choice of A or B that are two opposites, but then you tack on other things going on. Maybe tighten that up. I also really like that it isn't just a "stand up against the bullies" story, but that there is another possibly supernatural occurrence going on. Nice job!

  7. What I Liked: I know a Suzi Martin! Also I love the struggle to stand by her friend.

    What I would like: I would like you to grab me a little more in the first line. Also I found the last passage to be a little list-y and vague, big generalities like “friendship, fear, hope’ don’t show off your unique voice enough.

    Also, I would love to get a better idea of Suzie and Joshua as characters.

    Great Job!


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