Title: GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH
Genre: Upper MG humorous fantasy
Pitch:
In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height is the mark of his power, and shrinking an entire inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald.
Looking for promotion of an inch or two Gerald attempts to create a village landmark using his superior wizarding skills, but the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than he anticipates. The resulting earthquake, hurricane and assisting the escape of a very dangerous wizard, named Vabalaz, from prison really weren’t part of the plan.
A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, shrinks another inch; two more and he’ll join his father as a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator.
Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans. Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last.
First sentence:
A flash of blinding blue light filled the room, followed by a billowing cloud of dark, acrid smoke.
hahaha Oh jeez. If I was a wizard, I'd be a very bad one if my height were any indication...
ReplyDeleteThis sounds really funny and ridiculous- in the funny way. And poor Gerald he sounds like a character I could definitely root for
Oh, this is just fabulous! Love the concept. Love the humor. The first line pulls us right into the moment. So well done.
ReplyDeleteA few nitpicky notes just to smooth out the pitch a little, feel free to ignore . . .
Delete: "name Vabalaz" - makes the sentence clunky and we don't need this info yet.
Delete: Second reference to Vabalaz's name and maybe just call him the dangerous or evil wizard. Or perhaps a different word that will characterize him better?
Delete: "very well be" - again, makes the sentence a little clunky, and you want that last line to really pop.
Good luck!
This sounds so funny! I love this. I'm not sure from reading this pitch why it falls in the upper middle grade category. It sounds like it would be suitable for MG and up. Perhaps give some comparison titles.
ReplyDeleteI remember this one from WriteOnCon, glad to see you here. You're pitch has great voice! ;)
ReplyDeleteFantastic, original premise. Great opening line that shows and intrigues. I would love to read this!
ReplyDeleteI'd also love to read this! Sounds fun and funny!
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ReplyDeleteWhat I like: ‘- from a guy who knows a guy –‘ <<hilarious. I also loved the opener.
ReplyDelete‘two more and he’ll join his father as a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator.’ <<killing me.
What I would like: Not sure about this sentence:
‘The resulting earthquake, hurricane and assisting the escape of a very dangerous wizard, named Vabalaz, from prison really weren’t part of the plan.’
Because you are technically saying ‘The resulting assisting.’
Great job!
Funny premise! If you replace the "assisting the escape" bit with something like "...earthquake, hurricane, and prison escape of..." it may read better. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you all, I really appreciate all the amazing comments. I will be amending the pitch to include your suggestions if I make it into the next round :)
ReplyDelete