Wednesday, February 19, 2014



Genre: MG urban fantasy


Twelve-year-old Darcy finds an abandoned underground city (coolest secret ever) but when she gets lost in the labyrinth of tunnels she’ll have to find her own way out, or hope the darkling creatures are nicer than they look.

First sentence: 

The best place in the whole world is a mile below my feet.


  1. I love the opening line. Draws me in and I'm wondering where this character is and what's a mile below her feet.

    Your pitch could give a little more information about the story and the world we'll be exploring with Darcy. Best of luck to you!

  2. Although your pitch could use a bit more depth (pun intended!), I like the idea of the story and your first line.

  3. What I like: The voice is really cute.

    What I would like: I would also like to see more –I would like to get a feel for Darcy and see the creatures.

    Great work!

  4. Love the idea of the story and ADORE the first line!!!

    I agree with the other commenters, more information within the pitch would be great.

    Only issue: With the title being Darcy Darkling and the Forgotten City, I was momentarily confused by 'or hope the darkling creatures are nicer than they look.' Even if there is a correlation between Darcy's last name and the creatures that is revealed later in the book, for the purpose of pitching I would describe the underground creatures with different wording. That way there won't be any moment of confusion when her last name is suddenly attached to creatures that *seem* to be bad guys, at least at first glance.

  5. The comments I would make have already been made. Love the first line, just want to feel the story a little more. Who is Darcy? What kind of world does she live in? What's her "normal" before all this crazy goes down? What happens if the creatures aren't nicer than they look? And what's her end goal in this story? I adore the concept of a secret underground city. ADORE. But the pitch barely skims the surface of the story. Answer some of those questions and I think you'll have a pitch that will have people shouting, "GIVE ME MORE NOW!" :) Good luck!

  6. This is a great pitch for a contest like Pitch Madness, but here you have 150 words you can use and you've only used 38 words! I'm with Kimberly - I love what's here, but I want more!

  7. Yep, I love the concept. And would love to read this.

  8. I too love the first sentence. of your MS, it has voice and a hint of humour, that's hard to do.

    I think it would have been great to get a little more info on the world beneath, but, I have to admit, I tend to read the first line first and then the blurb! lol

  9. I love your first line! However, I'd like more in the pitch. I'm not going to repeat everyone else, as I think they gave some really good suggestions, but I think you're off to a great start - it just needs more.

  10. Fantastic first line!

    I agree with everyone--you have a great concept and your pitch could work for Twitter, but could use fleshing out for a contest like this (and for sending queries to agents/editors). It would help to know what the darkling creatures look like--I have no idea. What is it that your MC wants throughout the book? I'm pretty sure getting back home and staying alive once she's in the underground city, but what is it that she wants before that, which might lead her to discover it?


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