Wednesday, February 19, 2014



Genre: YA High Fantasy


When the lost heir to the throne of Nem encounters a fugitive nobleman, her quiet life is threatened by those who either seek revolution, or want her dead. Choosing between being a healer or queen seems simple. Sharing her secret with the one she’s fallen for, not so much.

First sentence: 

A rider comes!


  1. I don't think there is enough info here. You could have very easily added more words here just to give the reader a bit more about the plot and stakes.

  2. I agree with the previous commenter. While simple, your pitch could have more depth, and thus better explain your story. Also, the "not so much" comes across as modern to me, while the rest of the pitch seems from a previous era.

    All the best with it!

  3. I love this as an elevator pitch, but I agree it could use more detail if you intend to use it for any other purpose. I'd love to know both characters' names, to begin with, and maybe a sentence or two about how the lost heir gets un-lost. (I assume the warring factions are eager to use her or kill her because they've learned her identity.)

  4. Yes, we definitely need more here (and be wary of using exclamations marks at all, never mind in your first line). This feels like a light sketch of a story that still needs coloring in.

  5. Still love the idea of having to choose between being a healer and a queen and between owning up to who she is and danger vs. a quiet life. I do know more about this from another contest, so I have to say that it is a really interesting story! Good luck!

  6. I agree it needs more info, but on the other hand, you now make me want to know more! So it kinda worked! XD you have my vote!

  7. What I like: This line is cute>> ‘Sharing her secret with the one she’s fallen for, not so much.’

    What I would like: I need more details- I need to SEE your characters + FEEL their plight. I think you can do it!

    Great job!

  8. I agree that this needs a bit more, like the MC's name. Maybe expand a bit more on the stakes and what happens if she fails.


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