Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #89: LUMA

Title: Luma

Genre: YA Horror

Pitch: 

Majestic Isle is the scene of countless adventures for seventeen-year old Abbey and her best friend, Callie, until an accident closes the island amusement park. When Abbey hears of an underground club amid the broken down roller coasters, she drags Callie out for the night of their lives.
Unfortunately, it might be the last night of their lives.
The club isn’t the haven for misfits Abbey was hoping for – it’s a buffet, and the club goers are the main course.
After surviving the initial slaughter, the girls wind up trapped in a basement, but they’re not alone. A drug addict with a strange appetite and even stranger powers is imprisoned with them. If he doesn’t kill them, he may give them a gift that could help them survive the night, and possibly save the world. However, this gift comes with an unexpected price: their lives, their friendship, or both.

First Sentence: 

An ocean of bodies swayed like seaweed across the warehouse floor.

30 comments:

  1. Awesome concept. Loved the first line!

    I think you could stregnthen the pitch by getting the point faster and expanding the characters. This concept really could be summed up in one or two sentences so why not do it? Then spend a little more time getting us to know your characters more.

    Good luck :)

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    1. Thanks so much for the feedback, Stacey! Working on it now.

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  2. Hi! I only have a couple of comments. First, I think that in the third paragraph you could choose a different word for "stranger" the second time around. Even if it to say "more strange". I love your first sentence! Finally, the last sentence in the pitch seemed odd when you mention a "price" (singular), but it actually may be two things that it may cost. It just gave me pause. Good luck!

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    1. Thanks so much for the feedback, smnystoriak! I'll definitely take your suggestions into consideration and try to rewords a few lines. Again, thanks for taking the time to comment and I'm so happy you liked my first line!

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  3. Is this about vampires? *gets excited* I love your first line too. Yes, tighten the pitch more. If it's horror let us see the horror right away (well, you know what I mean). Good luck!

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    1. Hi Kathleen! Sorry, it's not about vampires, but something I found even more insidious. :) Thanks so much for commenting and I'll try to tighten it up!

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  4. I also love your first line! The premise sounds great, too, but as Stacey mentioned, I'd try to condense the beginning of the pitch to its most essential components so you can focus a bit more on Abbey and Callie. This seems like the sort of horror that really depends on its characters' emotional peril. I'd also like to see a bit more of a hint as to why the world needs saving.

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    1. Thank you for the feedback and taking the time to comment, Memory! I truly appreciate it :)

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  5. Oh wow. This sounds awesome and the fact that it SOUNDS like vampires, but you say is more insidious?? Even MORE interesting!

    I think instead of using 'gift' you could change it up to something like "He offers them a way for them to survive the night, but the gift comes with an unexpected price: their lives, their friendship, and their sanity.

    Oh and I love this line: "Unfortunately, it might be the last night of their lives." :)

    Not sure if they could lose their sanity, but I thought it might add more interest to it?

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    1. Thank you for the suggestions, Ellie! I didn't want to go with vampires, but something less human, and scarier, in my mind. I may just start over with the pitch and see what I can do based off all the feedback here. Thank you for taking the time to comment, I truly appreciate it!

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  6. The first line is GORGEOUS and creepy, and I love it SO much! My favorite first line of all the entries, actually. And the pitch is brilliant until the last line. The stakes suddenly became very general and vague. Prior to that I was bopping my head thinking, "This is awesome, this is so, so awesome." And then the last line came and I was all, "Umm, what?" Because I had no idea what "their lives, their friendship, or both." means. Also, the "save the world" line gave me pause, because it's such an overused line in pitches. Those are my only nitpicks though. You totally have my vote. Good luck! :)

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    1. Thank you, Kimberly! I know exactly what you mean, about the "save the world" line. I'm going to fix it. Thanks for the vote and for taking the time to comment!

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  7. I agree with the comments above - the first line is GORGEOUS! - and the overall story sounds wonderfully creepy and freaky. But I do think you're burying the lead by not naming the threat or making the stakes clear in your pitch.

    Best of luck! :)

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    1. Thank you, Deana! I'm working on making the stakes clear. This was part of query pitch, but I had to cut about forty words. Maybe I cut some of the wrong ones :) Thanks for the feedback and for taking the time to comment, I truly appreciate it!

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  9. I really like this premise. The query needs a better hook. You may even just remove that first sentence and start it like this -->

    When seventeen-year-old Abbey hears of an underground club amid the broken down roller coasters of her island's amusement park, she drags her best-friend, Callie, out for the night of their lives.Unfortunately, they might make it to morning alive. <-- or something better in your voice.

    I got the chills with the next lines about it being a buffet for the club goers *shivers* and winding up in the basement. But then the stakes fell flat for me. Probably because the gift and saving the world is vague. How is the world in danger? Clarify the stakes and let us know what the girls have must face to make it out alive.

    Love the opening line and the creepy premise! I hope this helps, and good luck!

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    1. Brenda, thank you so much the feedback! In reading your suggestions, it occurred to me that I can take out Abbey's age and give myself some additional word space. I think I'm getting a better handle on the hook now. Thanks again for commenting and the awesome suggestions, I really appreciate it!

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    2. You should keep the age. The agents need to know this.

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  10. A wonderful premise and I'd love to see more YA Horror on the bookshelves. I think you have a pretty strong hook with the club and "surviving the initial slaughter" line. Yes, you could tighten up a few things here and there(as mentioned in previous comments). However, I think your biggest area of for clarification would be the "gift" that you mention at the end. How does this gift tie in with your stakes? I hope that helps somewhat! Best of luck!

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    1. Great idea, Ashley! I'll try to incorporate the stakes with the gift. It think I could do that with just a few words. Thanks for taking the time to comment and for the feedback, I really appreciate it!

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  11. As other have pointed out, this is a cool concept and I like most of the pitch, but you might want to be specific at the end. Clarity can be a huge boost to reader interest. Subtly works well sometimes, but not usually for pitches.

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    1. Joseph, thank you for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it. I've taken all the suggestions into consideration and I'm going to post my new pitch in a comment below. Please feel free to comment on that one as well. Thanks again!

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    1. Thanks to everyone who commented. I've tried to incorporate most, if not all, the suggestions and have worked on this for thirteen hours now. To say my mind is mush would be an understatement. Please feel free to let me know what you think of the new pitch I'll be using if I make it into the author round. Thanks again!

      When seventeen year old Abbey hears of an underground club on Majestic Isle, an abandoned island amusement park, she drags her friend, Callie, out for the night of their lives.

      Unfortunately, it might be their last.

      The club isn’t the haven Abbey was hoping for – it’s a buffet, and the club goers are the main course.

      After surviving the initial carnage, the girls are imprisoned with a strung out superhero who has an odd appetite. If he doesn’t kill them, he may give them his powers to help them survive. However, there’s a price: their lives, their friendship, or both.

      But the island is just the beginning of the onslaught. Someone, who has plans for world domination, is hunting them and will kill for the powers they possess. Abbey and Callie can find a way to harness their new skills or give them up. Either choice is a death sentence.

      *I wish there was an edit option on here :)

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  13. My 15 y/o daughter loves YA horror, and I KNOW this would be something she would grab off the shelf! =) My question is, I'm still not sure why the stake is their lives/friendship. The way it is phrased, "there is a price", makes me think he is demanding it of them...not that it just happens. Maybe tweak this a little more? I like that you gave more info about the "saving the world" bit...I was initially going to address that until I saw your revised pitch. But, very original premise. Good luck!

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    1. Thank you, Jodie! I'll see what I can do to revise the word "price." Thanks for bringing it up and for taking the time to comment. :)

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  14. I think this generally sounds like an awesome story! I looked at your original and your revision of your pitch, and I think your revision is definitely moving in the right direction. My major comment for you now is that I wish there was more on was the villain/evil creatures/whatever they are. You say they're not vampires in your comments, but you never say what the creatures of the book actually are. If you've got a creature/villain that's rarely or never seen in the YA market, I think that needs to be specified. Agents would probably be quite excited by something fresh.

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    1. Ellie, thank you so much for commenting and giving me feedback! In the query I send to agents, I go into more detail about the creatures, but I ran out of room in this pitch (I think my query pitch is around 180 words). Thanks for letting me know you like the idea of my story and that I'm on the right track, I really appreciate it!!

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  15. What I Liked: The closed-down amusement park setting is just fantastic!

    What I would like: I also recommend avoiding the vague (eg. ‘their lives, their friendship, or both’). Reading all these queries has made me realize that using ‘big idea’ words like love, death, friendship makes all concepts sound the same.

    Great Job!

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    1. Thanks so much for commenting, Eliza! I know what you mean about the "big idea" words. I'm still playing around with it and may change it again. Thanks for the feedback!!

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