Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #44: NORTHERN


Genre: YA Fantasy


Sixteen-year-old Liko has never trusted Hunters, the elite enforcers
of the cruel Capital. But that's before she's magically bound to one
for life--and maybe for love.

Having spent her entire life training to protect herself against
Hunters, Liko is dismayed when her leader, Sariya, decides she's
better suited for cartography and scholarly tasks. Liko sneaks out of
her city's protected walls to prove her worth, only to be attacked by
a Hunter named Kochie, whom she takes captive. Angered by her
recklessness, and convinced she needs a bodyguard, Sariya binds Kochie
to Liko, forcing him to protect her at the cost of his own life. To
regain Sariya's faith, Liko sets out with Kochie stuck by her side.
But can she trust the romantic feelings that begin to bloom between
her and her former enemy when she suspects he'll do anything to
recover his position and his freedom?

First Sentence:

Liko took a deep breath and smoothed her way over the ceiling beam.


  1. What I like: I love warrior boys : )

    What I would like: The pitch felt a bit like a list, I would like more showing and less telling.

    Great job!

  2. I agree with Eliza that the pitch feels like a list, more a listing of events than anything else. I'd love to know a bit more about the heart of the story. Strip some of those plot elements away and really show us what matters to your character, and what's getting in the way of her getting what she wants. I think that would really bring things to life. Have to say though that the first line is really compelling. I'm pulled right into the moment and really want to know what's going on. Well done. :)

  3. The pitch confused me a little. I was missing some connections. Why does she feel she needs to prove her worth? To who? Wait, does her leader decide Liko is better of living a more normal life or did her leader step down? I didn't even consider that in the first read through. I thought for sure you mean Sariya was stepping down as the leader because she's better suited for cartography or whatever.

    The it was weird that someone attacks her and she takes him captive? Just weirdly stated to me.

    I think you could go deeper with the stakes by cutting a little from the beginning. Simplify :)

    Good luck

  4. This sounds like an interesting story! I do agree with the comments you received. I'd love to see the heart of the novel shine through. Also, your first paragraph is basically covered in the second one, so it's repeated information.


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