Sunday, February 23, 2014

Entry #89 - LUMA

Genre: YA Horror

Title: Luma

Revised Pitch:

Majestic Isle has been the scene of countless adventures for Abbey and her best friend, Callie, until an unexplained accident closes the island amusement park. A few years later, seventeen-year old Abbey hears of an underground club that has popped up amid the broken down roller coasters and rusty bumper cars, and she drags Callie out for the night of their lives.

Unfortunately, it might be the last night of their lives.

The club isn’t the haven for misfits Abbey was hoping for – it’s a buffet, and the club goers are the main course.

What was once an innocent sanctuary of fun is now home to something far more dark and sinister.

If Abbey and Callie survive the night, they may find they are the key to saving the world from an invasion of creatures with an insatiable appetite for human flesh.

First Line:

An ocean of bodies swayed like seaweed across the warehouse floor.


  1. I love this pitch, it's creepy and I love creepy. I think you can combine the first sentence with the second so it reads:
    Seventeen-year-old Abbey hears of an underground club that has popped (maybe change this word since the club is underground) up amid the broken down roller coasters and rusty bumper cars of Magestic Isle, an abandoned amusement park. She drags her BFF, Callie out for the night of their lives.
    Good luck!

  2. I love this one! I have to know what creepies lurk in the dark!

  3. Oooh, sounds delicious (pun intended). The opening line is great as well. Good job :)

  4. You do a very nice job of helping the reader visualize what is and is going to happen. Good work here! Best of luck with this!

  5. First, I really like that you can feel the stakes. It’s obvious what the characters want (to survive the night) and what happens when they fail (they become snacks). Also, you convey the plot with minimal confusion. The pitch doesn’t feel too stuffed, which to me, is the most difficult part of pitching.

    I agree with Kathleen in that the first sentence could be tightened up, and I like her suggestion of combining the first two. Past perfect progressive tense always reads a little wonky to me (Just my opinion though), plus it can’t hurt to start off with something with a bit more bang!

    Starting off with the underground club immediately creates a sense of mystery and intrigue. Besides, does it really matter for the purposes of the pitch that Callie and Abby used to have adventures at Majestic Isles?

    Great job and good luck!

  6. I think underground refers to the concept, not the actual physical location, so I respectfully disagree with the suggestion to change that line. Frankly, I think this is a tightly wound pitch with compelling, specific stakes. The first line is creepy but gorgeous and the setting of an abandoned amusement park is a brilliant one. I can see the story coming alive in mind, which is a pretty amazing feat to accomplish with only 150 words to work with. Beautifully done!

  7. Well done. I really like the first line for the atmosphere it creates and your pitch does create a sense of stakes and tension.

  8. on behalf of judge: "There's something engaging about your character, and the premise has a lot of creepy promise---but I have a mental disconnect at the idea that a group of monsters have remained confined wtihin an amusement park for years but suddenly threaten humanity. I think that you need to solve that disconnect in the pitch for the pitch to truly work. And whle I'm engaged by your character, there's something about phrases like "haven for misfits" that dosn't quite read YA to me, so be careful in your choice of wording."


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