Wednesday, February 19, 2014



Genre: YA Paranormal 


The week that Becca Sanchez discovers Uncle Don is a total whack-job begins with a moving van and ends in handcuffs. Her creepy history teacher moves in next door. And then her uncle tries to stake him. That’s right, stake. As in vampire.
But when a student goes missing Becca starts to wonder if maybe crazy Uncle Don isn’t so crazy after all. Then she discovers proof: a freezer full of blood in the teacher’s basement. Now she’s got to stop him before he turns the Halloween Dance into his personal high school buffet line.

First sentence: 

“Whoa, do you see that? Someone’s moving into the haunted house.” 


  1. I was a little confused between sentence 1 and 2. Because sentence 1 is like summary sentence, sort of. It works, but I couldn't tell if the next part of back tracking or talking about what happens after the handcuffs. Hopefully this makes sense! Otherwise, I think this is pretty good. Vampires are hard, but you probably know that. I do think this looks very interesting so good luck!

  2. Interesting concept here. I get the feeling the "crazy" uncle must be a fun character. I think the pitch needs a little more developing, and I'm not sure starting with a line of dialog is the strongest intro to your story, but I see definite potential here!

  3. What I like: I love the idea of someone moving into a haunted house. Fun!

    What I would like: I feel like there’s a lot of bouncing around here and it was hard for me to keep up- Becca, ‘creepy history teacher,’ ‘whack-job uncle’ – help me focus in on Becca and bring the other elements in as part of her story.

    Great job!

  4. I love the premise, it reminds me of Fright Night to an extent, but I think it could be a lot of fun with crazy relatives involved. What stopped me is the line, "Then she discovers proof: a freezer full of blood in the teacher’s basement." It seems like an awful big leap of faith for me, as a reader, to go from one student disappears to discovering a freezer of blood. Is there anything you could do to increase the tension instead? Great job overall!


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