Sunday, February 23, 2014


Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Title: Heritage Blade


Jay’s the most lethal secret walking the streets of Chicago, the boy who smells of blood and magic. He's killed before, and will again. Trained to protect mankind from rogue Pandorans—supernatural beings who cross into this world through Pandora's Box—he’s good at what he does, so long as no one knows he does it.

While rescuing a damsel faking distress, Jay inadvertently reveals himself and what he’s been up to. The powers that be aren't gonna like this, especially since he’s Unsanctioned—read hunting without a license. No bueno.

On top of having to convince his superiors not to throw him in a dark hole somewhere for the rest of his life, someone or something’s put a price on his head. Probably looking for a little payback. Jay needs to track the bastard down before everything that goes bump in the night arrives to collect.

First line:

How the hell did a four-legged, supernatural killing machine the size of an F150 vanish?


  1. Ah, I love this. There's such an awesome energy to this pitch, and it flows perfectly into your first line. I know rhetorical questions are out of fashion right now, but this is such a beautifully voice-infused way to start your story, so I hesitate to suggest rewording. The pitch itself is fabulous. It introduces your character and his voice, set up the conflict and the stakes, and even tugs at my heart strings a bit. I feel for this guy who's only trying to protect people and ends up having all hell break loose on him. Beautifully done!

  2. I like this pitch too. My only suggestion is to use hyphens for powers-that-be. The first sentence feels a bit awkward. As much as I love the blood and magic part, it doesn't really fit. How does he know how he smells? If you cut that part of the sentence out, it's less awkward. And I'd say, Jay considers himself the most lethal secret walking the streets of Chicago and go from there. Good luck!

  3. Oh. My. WOW!! I love this pitch and first line. I agree with Kathleen about hyphens for powers-that-be, but otherwise, stellar job. I would read this right now. It sounds pithy and fun and I'd love to get my hands on it. Great job. :D

  4. I agree with Kathleen the line "the boy who smells like blood and magic" didn't work for me. I don't think you need the "read" after unsanctioned for us to get what unsanctioned means. I still love this pitch and your revision made an already great pitch stronger. Good luck!

  5. I'm with Rena on not needing "read." I had to read that sentence twice to make sure I had it right. Other than that it's a great concept and I love the first line.

  6. I love this. It's actually very similar to a story I've written.

    I actually like the blood and magic bit. It would be good if we had a bit more world building in the pitch so we had more details on "the-powers-that-be", but I know that can be hard with the word limit.

  7. Hey! Two quick things:

    1. I'd hyphenate powers-that-be.

    2. I'd nix "read". If you really want to show you're elaborating, you could always try something like "—that is, hunting without a license".

    GREAT voice! :)

  8. This sounds like a great story and the pitch sets it well, both telling us the plot and giving us voice. I just am not sure about the swearing both in the query and in the first line. I know teens swear and it's okay to do, but maybe not these places. Also I'm not sure if you want to have the first line be a question. It's an easy fix.


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