Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #45: MARKED


Genre: YA/Urban Fantasy


Lexi Ripley doesn’t do bloodshed. She’s co-president of her high school PAW Club, loves all things animal, and hates anything that brings people or creatures harm. Then her Uncle Lucas dies, leaving a daughter Marked to join the Brotherhood. Lexi is plagued by visions of bloody battles, dreams of loves lost, and stuck with jerks who refuse to take the “No Girls Allowed” sign off their secret hideout. Worse, danger watches, looming in wait, but the warriors won’t listen to her warnings. The Brotherhood’s patriarchal practices may deem her unworthy, but this…thing, whatever it is, doesn’t care about their judgments. It’s closing in, and with it, the evil that killed her predecessor.

First Line:

Lexi closed her car door and zipped her jacket as she followed Dad into the auto shop to check on his SUV.


  1. I loved the opening line of the pitch but wasn't sure how old Lexi is -- whether the "No Girls Allowed" was being used ironically or if she was younger than I thought. I like the story idea and would read on.

  2. I love your pitch's opening, but I'd like more of a sense of her uncle's daughter. I assume Lexi gets involved with the Brotherhood to help her cousin? I'm a little confused as to her role in the story.

  3. What I like: I like that Lexi is looking out for the animals, but the first sentence made me think this was going to be about animal rights. (Although, I love animal rights, so maybe I just jumped the gun –still, I’m not quite sure how/why this fits in with the rest of the story).

    What I would like: I also think it may help if the danger is more defined.

    Great job!

  4. It looks like there's an awesome story hiding in this pitch, but the information you've chose to share is obscuring it a bit. I was left a little confused. Why the talking about animals when it doesn't seem to be at the crux of the story is, who the enemy is and what they want. Leaving the reader with unanswered questions can be a good thing, but there were a few too many for me. Would love to see this reworked with a little more clarity. There's obviously great potential here. :)


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