Sunday, February 23, 2014

Entry #62 - HELICA

Title: Helica

Genre: YA-Science Fiction Futuristic Thriller

Avalon is genetically perfect, but that doesn't mean Helica's leadership trusts her. Helica, the last thriving piece of Earth, forces the population to take a drug that cures PTSD by erasing memories of the nuclear war fought for genetic supremacy. But Avalon metabolizes it quickly, remembering the tragedy Helica's leadership inflicted upon her family.
In a time machine, Asher returns to Avalon from the future. He promises they're in love but she can't remember. Hoping to alter his future without Avalon, Asher presents her with a message from her deceased father, the former Defiance commander. Avalon must spread the truth to Helica's brain-washed population, or the leadership will continue exterminating genetically imperfect humans. However, Earth may not survive genocide, the nuclear war was too much. With mankind's fate at stake, Avalon must reveal the truth before it's too late - but that’s easier said than done. Helica’s leadership is watching.

First Sentence:

Here in Helica, we live by the decree of survival of the fittest - well, they do, anyway.


  1. This sounds like a compelling story, but it jumps around a bit, so I recommend some restructuring. The first line is a hook, but there's no follow up. Who is Avalon that she's important to the leadership of Helica? What power does she hold? Why don't they trust her? How does her memory of what was done make her a danger? Start with showing who Avalon is, and make her compelling and personal to us. I should feel something for her--that she is special, not just genetically unique because she metabolizes drugs quickly, if that makes sense. Then, show us her world now, and make us feel it is a desperate situation that must be changed. Then, introduce the opportunity: Asher who shows up and gives her the ability to make their world better if she's willing to take the risk. This pitch should lead us from a) to b) to c) so we can see how the story will unfold, hitting the high notes all the way.

    Also, one small hitch that got me was having Avalon and Helica together in one line. Because Avalon is well known as a place in fantasy world building/myth, it took a few beats for me to realize Avalon was a person and Helica was the world. Something to want your Agent to slip into the query and not get hung up on anything.

    Good luck!

  2. Wow! This is excellent feedback and it's new! Thank you so much =D


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