Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #87: NEOPHYTE


Genre: YA PN/UF 


Almost two years into her afterlife, Nineteen-year-old Addisyn White realizes that there is a lot more to being an Angel than wings and a brilliant white aura. Secrets about her new life start to be revealed and she finds out that where there is light there is also dark and that finely tuned scale has to remain balanced. A budding romance between her and one of her five dysfunctional teachers, only heightens her emotions, pushing her closer to the falling point. Finding two other Neophyte angels in a group of Fallen, ignites the fire inside her to help them find the Light. But one too many bad decisions combined with her stubbornness leads to Addisyn starting a war between good and evil. A war that will end in more than just a broken heart. It will end with life, a death and a tough decision for Addisyn to make.

First Sentence:

I sank into the porch swing.


  1. The premise is interesting. The pitch needs some tightening. I'm not sure what the Light is, for example. Also, it feels a little short. Identify what your main character wants, her goals and the obstacles. I wouldn't capitalize Angel. Also, leave off the finely tuned scale part of the line. It's not needed. So what was the main character doing for the two years previously before she began to discover secrets? Two years seems a long time even in the afterlife. This line: A budding romance between her and one of her five dysfunctional teachers, only heightens her emotions, pushing her closer to the falling point. What dysfunctional teacher? Why dysfunctional? She's a neophyte after two years? Why? I'd pick one plot point and base your pitch around that. What is most important? You don't need to include everything in a pitch, just enough to whet the appetite (although I have a tendency to do that too, according to my CP group, LOL). Also, if your main character is nineteen, I'd label it as NA. Start with her age and show what secret she figured out and why it's going to lead to a war between good and evil. And, how can the war end with life if she's already dead? I think you have the bones of a good pitch, tighten it up, give the reader only one plot point and it'll be less confusing. Hope this was helpful. Good luck!

  2. I agree with Kathleen. I LOVE the concept of this novel, but parts left me confused and I had to reread. I want to know about the war, how the love complicates things. What are her stakes?

    The only other comment I have is on the first line. I know it is impossible to judge a ms based on the first line, but it is your first impression. Unless you are giving the reader voice by the really short sentence, you may want to consider giving some action to grab your reader and reel them in.

    I can't wait until this gets published!

  3. Great premise, but this sounds more like a synopsis than a pitch.

    First, you need to get your conflict up front: What does Addisyn want, and what is she willing to do to get it?

    Second, define what characters/circumstances are going to get in her way?

    Third, illustrate how is she going to battle past them to resolve her conflict?

    Answer these three questions, while adding in a touch of voice, and you are there.

    Also, your sinker needs to be extremely tight. What will her choices cost her if she doesn't achieve her goal?

    Think about this last line creating such anticipation in an agent that they NEED to read more.

    Good luck!

  4. You already have some good notes. I found this one really intriguing but was a little confused. And the line about your MC starting a war between good and evil threw me off majorly because, pretty sure good and evil are just generally at war with each other. ;) I feel like you could do a little more with the first line too. Not every first line can be all kaboom-pow-zing, but I wonder if you could start with something a little more compelling.

    There's great potential here and I hope all the feedback helps you realize it. Writing pitches is one of the hardest parts of this writing gig! :)

  5. There are some cool things in this pitch but I'm not really sure how they call connect. It's just not very clear. And the end of the pitch is very very vague. Don't tell us she has a decision to make. That could be the choice between skim or whole milk. What's the decision? You say she started a war, how? Tell us as much as you can about the stakes here.

  6. What I Liked: The title really caught my, but I feel like I need more details to really know what your story is about.

    What I would like: Sentences like this ‘Secrets about her new life start to be revealed’ or ‘only heightens her emotions’ are vague and telling –remember this is your moment to shine and really show us what’s unique in your story.

    Also, this is redundant>> ‘where there is light there is also dark and that finely tuned scale has to remain balanced.’

    Great Job!

  7. Just a quick note - 19 is probably too old to call it YA. NA is rely starting to take off and fits the age category.


Please leave your courteous and professional comments for the writer! We'd love to hear from you! : )