Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Entry #24: WHERE THERE IS DARK

Title: WHERE THERE IS DARK

Genre: YA fantasy

Pitch:
In a city where light is deadly, the people of Creperi are confined to darkness. Many covet what sixteen-year-old Jazzlyn has—immunity from the Star’s lethal rays—and she trains to become the next liaison between her darkness-ravaged homeland and, Lumen, the mountain city above the clouds.

When rebels kidnap Jazzlyn’s boyfriend and force her help to unlock their own defense against the light, their plan backfires and the black clouds protecting the city threaten to break. Jazzlyn discovers that someone doesn’t want her people freed from the dark and everyone, boyfriend included, has something to hide. The light won’t hurt Jazzlyn, but if she can’t figuring out who’s controlling the Forever Night before the sky opens up, her city, along with everyone she loves, will burn.

First Sentence:
Mushrooms thrive in the dark, so they’re the only food that isn’t rationed, and the pungent stink wafting through the house is a sure sign we’re having them for breakfast—again.

5 comments:

  1. Yeah, so far of the 30 pitches I've read, this is the one I WANT TO READ RIGHT NOW. Ahem. Yes.

    The concept is fascinating, the pitch is full of voice and hints at your gorgeous writing style. The stakes are clearly outline, and I already admire the strength and tenacity of your main character and I haven't even properly met her yet.

    The first line is a bit on the long side, like you're trying to cram too much into that one sentence. You're getting across that this is a different world, a world where food that can't grown in the dark is rationed, you're bringing in smell, you're bringing in your character's frustration that they're for breakfast, AGAIN. That's a lot of weight for one line to carry! Consider what you really want to hook your reader with and go all in on ONE aspect, and the line can read more powerfully, I think. Just a suggestion though, as it is, it does hook me and I really am left wanting more. I just have a feeling you have it in you to do even better. :)

    Good luck!

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  2. Thanks so much Kimberly! I'm thrilled that you like the concept and the pitch. Yay! First lines are so tough, though. I appreciate the great feedback on mine. :)

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  3. I agree with the above comments exactly. I might split that first sentence in two. Mushrooms thrive in the dark, so they’re the only food that isn’t rationed. (That's really strong by itself!) The pungent stink wafting through the house is a sure sign we’re having them for breakfast—again. Nice job---get ready for some full requests!

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  4. What I like: I like the idea of light being lethal is cool.

    What I would like: For me there was too much going on –she’s a liaison, she’s kidnapped, they try to use her to unlock their powers then the clouds are breaking- I found it hard to keep up, but the others really like it so maybe its just me!

    Small typo ‘but if she can’t figuring out who’s controlling the Forever Night’ << ‘figure’

    Great work!

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  5. This is so different. I would love to read this. I really enjoyed your first sentence (smell isn't used enough in novel) so perhaps break it into two as others suggested. The first sentence also shows that you'll do a good job of showing us story world. Why just the lights from the stars? Wouldn't the sun also hurt? I thought sun should be added to your second sentence. Good job!

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