Title: Dru & Darcy – International Intrigue – The London Incident – Book I
Genre: YA/Mystery
PITCH:
Sixteen year old Dru has no idea a flash drive containing stolen government secrets is in her backpack as she travels to London with her parents. There she meets seventeen year old computer geek Darcy, and they fall in love.
The teens are chased throughout London by two men, Armando and Yosef, who want the flash drive. It was Armando who planted it on Dru at the airport. After losing the men at the Tower of London, the teens take a cruise down the Thames to the London Eye. While kissing on the Eye, Dru and Darcy witness a murder, Armando killing Yosef in the next compartment.
Back at their hotel, the teens discover the flash drive contains a list of spies, including Dru’s father. Armando captures the teens; and now they must find a way to save their lives, and keep the flash drive from falling into enemy hands.
First Sentence:
Monday began just like any other ordinary workday at the World Wide Computer Software Company; but before the morning would end, someone would be murdered, and national security would be compromised.
What I like: I live in London- so I have to say I love the setting!
ReplyDeleteWhat I would like: This feels too much like a list of what happens. I would also love more voice .
Great work!
I agree with Eliza that the pitch needs a little more voice. Some neat ideas here, but the first line fell a bit flat for me. Telling the reader what is going to happen doesn't pull them into the story at all. It's a red flag shouting, "You're not really experiencing this because it's already happened." Which may be true from the writer's point of view, but as readers we like to forget that and immerse ourselves in the story. Especially in YA fiction. :) I think with a bit of tweaking though you can show your awesome story concept off to even better effect. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI love mystery. What if you started your query with the murder scene to pull us right in something like Sixteen year old Dru and her new geek love interest witness a murder on the London Thames (this isn't the best example but something to draw us in). The culprit is coming for them next. Etc. At this point it doesn't matter why she's in London just that she's in London. And you could cut "It was Armando who planted it on Dru at the airport" it's enough that we now the dangerous men want it back. With a bit of tightening this query will be really good. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fun concept and I really like the location! However I agree with the comments above and would add, beyond losing a sense of the main character being active, it also makes your plot sound rushed to say she arrives in London and immediately falls in love, then action happens. Instead, we want to see the romance play out and usually have more enjoyment when that budding relationship/internal conflict is at odds with the greater/exterior conflict. Less names and more focus on Dru's personality and personal stakes could benefit you in this regard. How you organize the flow of information in your pitch can enhance and support this.
ReplyDeleteAlong with this, while your first line is setting up some great stakes, it reads as being an omniscient narrator statement, rather than an active line of the character. (That said my first line is suspect in that area too)
best of luck!
I really like the idea behind your pitch, but think it needs to come to life more. In 150 words, four characters are mentioned. I already know who the antagonist is, and I don't necessarily need that info in the pitch. I guess I'm looking for more stakes instead of being told the flash drive was put in her backpack, it contains stolen government secrets, she falls in love right away, and it was Armando who put the flash drive in her bag.
ReplyDeleteI like Rena's comment above about witnessing a murder or something to draw the reader in. At what point does Dru realize she's being followed? When does she realize she's got the flash drive? Maybe your pitch could start somewhere in there. I hope this helps a little. Best of luck!!