Sunday, March 2, 2014



Genre: Fantasy Pre-telling/LGTB

Word Count: 62,000


When sixteen-year-old James Allison (Jas) joins her Uncle Blackbeard’s crew, it’s for money to start a new life and stop living as a boy. When stranded in Neverland and a flying boy poisons Blackbeard, the only thing she wants is a cure to save him.

 Daring to take on the island, Jas sets out only to be captured by Peter and the Lost Boys. All seems lost – until a native, Tiger Lily, offers to help. In exchange, Jas and the pirates must never return. The girls’ journey leads to friendship and something Jas can’t deny – she’s is falling in love with Lily. Talk of war between the Indians and pirates brews as they race to find the cure amid interference from psychotic Peter. Jealousy drives Jas and Peter towards battle and it’s love that’ll tear Neverland apart. Jas must become the pirate she was meant to be or lose everything.


February 1718 – 48.95° N 6.7° E

The long bandage squeezes my breasts but I pull it tighter – until the binding digs in and pinches my skin. Tucking the end in, I run my hands over my chest to make sure it’s smooth and flat. I sigh. I’m left with two small slopes above a narrow waist and curved hips and pale skin. The ship creeks, mocking my frustration.

“Where did that ribbon run of to?” I mutter and pull apart my bed. Nothing. I drop to my knees and search the floorboards. My room on the quarter deck is no bigger than a matchbox, yet I manage to constantly misplace the last ribbon I own. I sit back on my heels, thinking back to where I last had it. Ah ha! I jump up and open the door adjoining the Captain’s quarters. Light pours through the bay windows and stretches across the room, highlighting the table covered in nautical and star charts. I spot the red ribbon laying on top.

“Should you be walking around like that?” Disgust drips from the words. I glance at the lantern dangling in the center of the room as I stride through. Wide eyes peer out from a little face with long buttery hair falling behind her wings.

Her quip at my half dressed state jabs at me. “Shouldn’t you be fluttering those wings of yours? You haven’t met your dust quota for the day,” I retort, snatching up the ribbon.


  1. This pitch is well done and hints at a totally unique take on Peter Pan. I love the fact that we're seeing the characters from different points of view: Blackbeard as the sympathetic uncle, Peter Pan as a bad guy. We know what Jas wants in the first sentence...a cure.

    I did have to read the pitch and opening 250 twice to make sure I got my bearings. I'm not sure if it was the name that threw me or what. I know there's confusion about identity, but I didn't want to feel confusion so soon. She starts the story as a girl but her name is James. She wants to "stop living as a boy," but I got the impression she no longer wants to be a girl. I know you have this worked out in your head, so perhaps a bit of tweaking would transfer that clarity to the page.

    I loved how the story opened with coordinates. Very nautical and unique. The opening image, with Jas binding her chest, was a great way of showing who she is. I also liked how Tinkerbell will not be the sweet, innocent Think we all remember.

    Great job!

  2. I think a LGTB re-telling of Peter Pan sounds incredible! It reminds me a little of Ash by Malinda Lo, a book I adored. However, I'm afraid I was confused by the pitch. Here are some of the questions that went through my mind while reading:

    First sentence: Has she been pretending to be a boy for a long time, and if so, why? Or is she only pretending to be a boy so she can join her uncle Blackbeard's crew? Are starting a new life, getting some money, and ceasing to live as a boy mutually exclusive? Is the money for a specific purpose that would help her stop living as a boy?

    Second sentence: "When stranded in Neverland and a flying boy poisons Blackbeard" doesn't clearly link action and subject, in my opinion. Perhaps change it to something like, "While stranded in Neverland with the rest of the crew, Jas is horrified when a flying boy poisons Blackbeard. Now the only thing she wants is to find a cure." Otherwise I'm left wondering, "Who is stranded in Neverland?" Jas? Blackbeard? All of Blackbeard's crew once Jas has joined them? Is the chain of events that A) Jas joins the crew, dressed as a boy, with three goals in mind, but then her goal changes after becoming stranded in a place where Blackbeard is poisoned? I just needed more clarity on these points, personally.

    Third Sentence: What does it mean for Jas to set out to "take on the island"? Does this mean take on the inhabitants of the island (i.e. Peter Pan), search the natural elements for a cure, or both? Or is the island itself mystically treacherous a la "Lost"?

    I LOVE that Jas falls in love with Tiger Lily. I wondered if you might clarify this sentence toward the end: "Jealousy drives Jas and Peter towards battle and it’s love that’ll tear Neverland apart." So are Jas and Peter competing for Tiger Lily? Or is it more one-sided (meaning, does Tiger Lily agree that Peter is psychotic and she returns Jas' affections, or does she see Peter's side of things as well?)

    For the pages, make sure you go over it carefully -- a few typos jumped out at me ("creeks" instead of "creaks"; "of" instead of "off.") EVERYONE makes typos, but for your first page especially it's good to make a positive impression.

    I really love the premise. I think if you tidy up the pitch and pages you'll be there!!


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