Sunday, March 2, 2014

Entry #20: DEFYING THE STARS

Title: Defying the Stars

Genre: YA Romance/Sci Fi

Word Count: 64,000

Pitch:

When sixteen-year-old Virginia Sawyer moves to the backwoods of Upstate New York, she’s drawn into the town’s obsession with the Swifts. Untangling the mystery behind the cult-like family is a harmless pastime, until she meets the eldest son, Alvin.

The marks on Alvin’s arms look like constellations—like she could read her future in them. When she finds out what fate—and Alvin’s father—have in store for him, solving the mystery behind the marks becomes critical.

Alvin says she’s come to Ashwood for a reason, but the Swifts find fate in everything: what they eat, when the sleep, how they think, and when they will die.

The date is set.

The time is fixed.

The Swifts are preparing to leave this earth. But there is one thing they didn’t foresee: Virginia and Alvin have fallen in love, and there’s no way on earth she will let him go.

First page:

Three months before the world ended, at least for the Swifts, I was on the living room floor trying to catch a signal on my Grandpa’s old police scanner.

“Virginia, you won’t get that thing to work.” Dad sat at his desk, pencil poised.

“Ye of little faith.” The machine hissed as I gave the antenna a swift jerk.

“It’s about thirty years old.”

I whacked the box with the flat of my hand. “What do you expect me to do? Read law books all day? We don’t have a computer. I don’t even have a cell phone.”

“You don’t have anyone to call.”

 I yanked the plug from the wall and lifted the radio.

“Where are you going?”

I shut my bedroom door and wiped my eyes to make sure I wasn’t crying. I knew it was stupid, but it wasn’t my fault I didn’t have friends. This was the fourth time we’d moved this year. And it was September.

I set the radio on my windowsill and picked up my favorite book. I reread all the physical descriptions of the love interest. Dark, brooding eyes. Strong jaw. Throbbing temple, always with the throbbing temples. I knew it wasn't very sophisticated, but I liked to objectify men because it made things more even.

“Hey baby, I’d like to throb your temple.” I brushed the antenna, then moved it slowly, deliberately, until it looked like it was poking a hole in the sky. “Come on, talk to me.”

5 comments:

  1. I have to say that I LOVE this premise and this query--it is really perfect. There's something so powerful about encountering a group of people preparing for their own deaths in such a deliberate way--it's fascinating and poignant and gruesome all at once. I also love the constellations on his arm--and the hint that she is fated to be entangled with him. The first page is nice...took me a minute to understand what you meant by the word "even" but have to say I really dig the subtle way she takes up a male role by "poking" the sky. Not sure where the sci-fi will come in, but this is one I would definitely want to read. Good luck!

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  2. Pitch: Very intriguing pitch. It made me want to read more and it felt a bit different than other things I've read. Great job! One thing that caught my attention--it feels to me as if this section...

    "The marks on Alvin’s arms look like constellations—like she could read her future in them. When she finds out what fate—and Alvin’s father—have in store for him, solving the mystery behind the marks becomes critical.

    Alvin says she’s come to Ashwood for a reason, but the Swifts find fate in everything: what they eat, when the sleep, how they think, and when they will die."

    ...could maybe be blended together--stream lined. Think about what moves the pitch forward. And keep the "When they will die."

    First page: I love this first line...

    Three months before the world ended, at least for the Swifts, I was on the living room floor trying to catch a signal on my Grandpa’s old police scanner.

    It jolted me (in a good way), but then when you immediately fell into a very normal dialogue, I second guessed my initial reaction. So, while I LOVE it and the contrast you created, I'm wondering if there needs to be just a little bit more of the "off balance" to make me feel as if I wasn't "reading it wrong." I literally went back up to make sure there was a Sci Fi element to the story LOL!

    This line..."I shut my bedroom door and wiped my eyes to make sure I wasn’t crying." To make sure no one saw me crying?

    Cracked up with all the dark and brooding--made the voice really stand out. Great job.

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    Replies
    1. Fabulous Feedback--thank you so much!

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  3. I feel like the pitch is too vague. We get that the Swifts are an enigma, that they live based on fate, and that Alvin and Virginia are in love which might screw things up. But the stakes are too vague. We gets hints of a cult, hints of aliens, but not enough to make us feel invested in Virginia and Alvin and what becomes of them. Even in a pitch, we need to feel the urgency and in this case, that means we need more information. I also think we don't get enough sense of Virginia's voice and personality in here, which would help tether us to her as a narrator.

    So you open by telling us that the world is going to end in three months, according to the Swifts, but you immediate shift to Virginia and her dad. We have no context for the Swifts or for the context of an impending Apocalypse. Virginia's crying comes from out of nowhere. We don't get enough of her feelings to know her dad's words upset her until she's already in her room. We need the build up, otherwise she seems like a petulant child. Also, I think making her desperate for a love interest on the first page weakens her. We want her to be strong ON HER OWN, not desperate for a man.

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