Title: THE SECRETS WE KEEP
Word Count: 84,560
Category/Genre: YA Contemporary/mystery
150 word Pitch:
During a late-night storm, Lyndsay Richards has an out of body experience while falling asleep – a defense mechanism for dealing with her mother and stepfather’s nightly fighting. During this OBE, Lyndsay sees Mr. Jenkins, her neighbor and janitor at her high school, moving a dead body. The next morning she gets proof what she witnessed wasn't a dream. However, without any credible evidence she can't go to the police. Jenkins is a decorated veteran, a sweet old man, and his son is a local cop, so who’s going to believe her? Only her BFF, of course, but definitely not her close-minded boyfriend. With the clock ticking, clues mounting, Lyndsay has less than two weeks to prove Jenkins is a serial killer before he kills again. It doesn’t help that she runs into him every day at school. And, the worst part…now the old man’s found out what she’s up to.
250 word first page:
Apparently, marriage must suck.
That’s the only logical conclusion I can come to right now.
It’s going to be another long night. So far, he’s criticized her career, her cooking, and her hair. What’s next? The way she breathes? They’ve been at it since ten and it’s now way past midnight. Tonight’s fight between my mother and Neal is shaping up to be epic.
You would think I’d be used to it by now, since it happens almost every night. Well, except for the nights my stepfather doesn’t bother to come home until three or four in the morning.
His surly voice carries from their bedroom next door. I catch snippets here and there – his words sound more venomous than usual, even for him.
“–nothing but a cold, empty shrew,” he hisses.
“You never give me a chance,” my mother says, pitifully trying to appease him. “Please calm down…you’re going to wake Lyndsay.”
Too late for that.
Neal’s answer comes a second later, in the form of a book or a shoe that smacks the other side of the wall above my head with a loud thwack. I jolt as if struck.
“Great,” I snarl through gritted teeth, “now, he’s throwing things.”
My stomach twists. I clench my pillow until my hand cramps, wishing these walls weren’t so damned thin, wishing I could get some sleep, most of all, wishing he would stop torturing her. Why does he treat her this way? She doesn’t deserve it.
Wham!
Must’ve been a drawer this time.
Hi there, this opening is an attention getter, for sure. I'm already agonizing over the situation for the mom and the daughter. Best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteGreat tension! I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI love the title too, but did you know there's a book coming out in April with that title?
Best of luck!
Rebecca
Much thanks, Shari and Rebecca! Yes, I know about Trisha's book - we already had a good chuckle about it. But I've kept the same title for now only because I know NY will change it anyway. And unfortunately, it sooooo fits! Nearly every character in this book is holding a secret (some big, some small). I'm toying with changing it just to Secrets, Secrets Within, We All Have Secrets, Something to Hide, or Secrets Well-Kept, but I'm not sure if I'm in love with any of those yet. It's a conundrum for sure!
ReplyDeleteGreat pitch and really enjoyed reading your first page.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
MVB
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteThank you so much, Madame Von Bee! (Cool name, btw)
DeleteI love the title too, but didn't know there was another book with the same one. I liked the pitch and the opening --very compelling. Except--why is her mom with Neal? And does Lyndsay not wonder why her mom doesn't just leave? Of course that might come later in your first chapter. It's hard to tell with only 250 words.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Krista! Glad you mentioned that aspect - yes, it does come later in the chapter ;)
ReplyDeleteLove the pitch. Just wondered, though, how she knows the clock is ticking and she's only got two weeks?
ReplyDelete250: I feel for her and her mother. Great set up of her family's situation.
Thank you, Melissa! In answer to your question about the pitch - it's the mounting clues. She gets clues that he's going to kill again on a certain date. So hard to get everything in just 35 words, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteWhoops! I meant 150 words. Getting my contests mixed up, LOL.
DeleteGood Morning,
ReplyDeleteI do like the pitch very much. It has a very compelling first two fifty that make you really feel for the protagonist.
For me I had to stop and do a reread on the sentence where she goes and gets proof it wasn't a dream but then there is no credible evidence to go to the police with? I am guessing it is something non tangible to the case that proves she isn't dreaming.
The word 'now' in the last snippet of the Pitch is haunting me... is it necessary? And the worst part is... the old man's found out what she is up to. (really is a small thing)
The timeline of when he is going to kill again also threw me. If she knew he was going to kill I'd say something to the police about keeping an eye on him, especially if she has some clues. I assume that is covered in detail later in the book.
Other than those tidbits I like it. I am with the crowd when I read that first chapter, and say that Neal needs to be gone!
Good Luck!
A Fellow Contestant & Friendly Author #35
Thanks for your comments, MP! That is the whole crux of the matter - she has clues, but nothing tangible enough to go to the police with, especially when she'd be accusing the nicest man in town (old man who's a local war hero) of murder. So, yes, it's covered in detail later in the book. And as they say, the devil is in the details ;)
ReplyDeleteGood stuff! Thanks for taking a minute of your time to clarify. Personal belief is if we pat each other on the back, we do ourselves an injustice by not helping each other with the pitfalls. If we don't ask the questions, the author doesn't get that chance to go deeper with their artwork. I hope to see your artwork on the shelves!
DeleteBased on the pitch, I know I'd love to read this story. I did wonder if Lyndsay's OBE happens often or if this was a one time thing to cope with her mother and stepfather's fighting. I feel so much empathy for the mother, but can't help but wonder why she stays in such a bad relationship. I imagine it's explained in more detail later in the story. How does Lynday know the janitor is going to kill again in two weeks? This story will have its readers on edge waiting for the outcome.
ReplyDeleteThanks bunches, Debra! The reason the mother stays in such a bad marriage is indeed revealed later. And the answer to your other question I posted above in answer to someone else. Like all good suspense/thrillers, I've set that ticking clock ;)
DeletePitch: Wondering if this is Lyndsay's first OBE or if this is something that's happened her whole life? She's certainly has a major problem trying to prove a sweet old man is a serial killer without any evidence. Great that her best friend believes her but I don't know that I'd call her boyfriend close-minded for not believing her. How does she know he's going to kill again in two weeks?
ReplyDeleteFirst 250: Lyndsay is in a tough, tough situation but I don't know her well enough yet to really want to ride out the storm with her. A mean person throwing things and being abusive doesn't make me want to keep reading. I think you may be starting your story in the wrong place. That said, your writing is strong and I think you have a lot of potential here. Best of luck!
Thanks for commenting, Jenny. It is her first OBE - something happens on the next page that is traumatic for her and coupled with her sleep deprivation causes her OBE. Her boyfriend isn't just close-minded about this, he's skeptical about a lot of things - the reader will learn this about his character shortly. It establishes the fact that there's no way he's going to believe her. Also, you might want to check out Michael Hauge's writing courses. He has some great examples of how to create empathy with a character and what makes a reader what to journey along with them. Writing is so subjective. Best of luck to you, also!
ReplyDelete...want to journey...not what...sorry...this is cold is kicking my butt!
Delete