WHO IS BERKLEY ADAMS?
81,000 words
YA Contemporary
Pitch:
Sixteen-year-old identical twins Ben and Travis are impossible to tell apart, and that’s just how they like it. That is until Berkley Adams identifies Ben from Travis before the entire school—something their own mother can’t do—and challenges them to a game of riddles. Humiliated and exposed, they leap at the chance for revenge.
Ben’s detailed mind and Travis’ hacking skills have one semester to answer her riddle: “Who is Berkley Adams?” Clue by clue, they seek to turn the game against her, but as they discover Berkley’s more intimate side, her secrets transform her into someone likeable—friend-worthy, even. Though Ben can’t help but linger on the idea, he knows Travis will never let that happen.
The twins have only two choices left: lose the game and lose each other, or solve Berkley’s riddle and sacrifice the growing friendship.
After all, their world isn’t big enough for three.
First 250:
“Dude, your contacts are gone.” Travis checked their bathroom vanity. “Seriously, your go-to pair, your back-up pair, even your contact solution—poof. Nothing but a random index card signed by some ‘Berkley Adams.’”
Ben hung his head. What was he going to do without his contacts? He’d have to show up for school at Northside Collegiate in half an hour, and he’d either be blind or wearing glasses. Glasses that would make him look different from his identical twin. In public. Where outsiders could see.
“Hang on, there’s a message on the back.” Travis lifted a white rectangle. “‘To Ben Northside,” he said, “and also to Travis Northside, who is likely reading aloud for his brother. I apologize for the petty theft, but don’t be alarmed, you’ll thank me soon.’”
Ben crossed his arms. Who would write this? Only their mother left notes for them, and those were restricted to the kitchen.
“‘As you can see—or rather, not see—your contacts have been removed from your possession. This is only to prep you both for our meeting today at Northside Collegiate, whereupon you will be issued a challenge. No need to worry—I’ll find you. Additional apologies for this morning’s inconvenience, but you may find that blindness will deliver a sharper perspective. Sincerely,’” Travis hesitated, “Berkley Adams’?”
Ben pulled his eyebrows together as cold blood flooded down his back. Who was Berkley Adams?
“I think,” Travis said with a slow-growing grin, “we have a new game on our hands.”
Ben’s detailed mind and Travis’ hacking skills have one semester to answer her riddle: “Who is Berkley Adams?” Clue by clue, they seek to turn the game against her, but as they discover Berkley’s more intimate side, her secrets transform her into someone likeable—friend-worthy, even. Though Ben can’t help but linger on the idea, he knows Travis will never let that happen.
The twins have only two choices left: lose the game and lose each other, or solve Berkley’s riddle and sacrifice the growing friendship.
After all, their world isn’t big enough for three.
First 250:
“Dude, your contacts are gone.” Travis checked their bathroom vanity. “Seriously, your go-to pair, your back-up pair, even your contact solution—poof. Nothing but a random index card signed by some ‘Berkley Adams.’”
Ben hung his head. What was he going to do without his contacts? He’d have to show up for school at Northside Collegiate in half an hour, and he’d either be blind or wearing glasses. Glasses that would make him look different from his identical twin. In public. Where outsiders could see.
“Hang on, there’s a message on the back.” Travis lifted a white rectangle. “‘To Ben Northside,” he said, “and also to Travis Northside, who is likely reading aloud for his brother. I apologize for the petty theft, but don’t be alarmed, you’ll thank me soon.’”
Ben crossed his arms. Who would write this? Only their mother left notes for them, and those were restricted to the kitchen.
“‘As you can see—or rather, not see—your contacts have been removed from your possession. This is only to prep you both for our meeting today at Northside Collegiate, whereupon you will be issued a challenge. No need to worry—I’ll find you. Additional apologies for this morning’s inconvenience, but you may find that blindness will deliver a sharper perspective. Sincerely,’” Travis hesitated, “Berkley Adams’?”
Ben pulled his eyebrows together as cold blood flooded down his back. Who was Berkley Adams?
“I think,” Travis said with a slow-growing grin, “we have a new game on our hands.”
Oh, I really like the revisions! Very nice. Just one thought on the pitch. I thought maybe "a growing friendship" would work better. Or course if you had more words to work with I would put "with Berkley Adams" at the end. Otherwise--I think it is spot on.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I was nervous about the revision at first, but the comments have helped settle my fears. Will keep those details in mind in revision, thanks!
DeleteLove it!! Great job on the revisions. My only suggestion would be to change "Ben’s detailed mind" to "Ben’s analytical mind". Oh, and (maybe) to take out the word "left" in "The twins have only two choices left"; to me it would flow better without. So two teeny, nitpicky suggestions.
ReplyDeleteI love your voice and the mystery surrounding the boys' nemesis. *whispers*: Who is Berkley Adams?
Katya
#10 The Land of Joy and Sorrow
Definitely love the "analytical mind" tip, thanks! Already changed it in query letters ;) Thanks so much for the love, Katya!
DeleteI am so intrigued by your pitch that I want to read the whole book right now! Love the 250, except for the line about cold blood. Many YA novels really are rather bloody. I'd use a different way to describe how he feels.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I've noticed a coupe people say that about the blood line, so I'll consider revising :) Thanks Jenny! And good luck to you too!
DeleteYou've done a good job tweaking pitch and page. Things are even clearer now (in the pitch); and you've clued us in about the contacts from the get-go. Awesome. This remains one of my faves.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Michael, I really appreciate it! Glad things are clearer too, and you're one of my faves too.
DeleteHi there!
ReplyDeleteReally cool pitch and first 250! I second the comment on the "analytical mind" and "a growing friendship".
Pitch:
I wasn't sure about saying Ben's mind and Travis's skills being the subject of that sentence, since it's Ben and Travis who have the month, not their respective parts (Ben's mind and Travis's skills).
It also may be me: how will losing the riddle lead to them losing each other? I was also unclear on the sacrificing the friendship bit--from the previous paragraph, I thought Ben wanted to be friends with Berkley but Travis was resistant. Presumably Travis comes on board?
250: I think my only comment would be paragraph 3, when Travis starts reading Berkley's note. I'd change "reading aloud" to "reading this aloud".
Reay enjoyed this! Best of luck!
#21/Steve
Excuse the typos and missing words. Doing this from my phone and blogspot is really giving me issues commenting...Sorry!
DeleteNo problem! I'm just grateful that you took the time to comment. And thanks for the critique! Will certainly keep it in mind :)
DeleteHi there, I think this has a great hook right off the bat! I do feel like the first two paragraphs of the 250 is a bit 'telly.' For example, I don't think a guy would actually say, "...nothing but a signed index card signed from some Berkeley Adams." I think more realistically he would say, "...nothing but this." He held up an index card signed by some Berkeley Adams. (Or something like that.). Anyway, I think you've got a great story and I wish you the best of luck!
ReplyDeleteShari
Pitch: You've gotten some great suggestions so far, but the bottom line is this is good enough any changes are just nit picky. Definitely rooting for you cause I love this premise.
ReplyDelete250: I like the changes to the very opening. Two minor suggestions: maybe move the "random index card" line to where Travis reads the back because he probably wouldn't think an index card in the bathroom is random and yet he has to read it because Ben can't. The other thing is the "cold blood" mentioned above; would he be scared (then a cold type of image makes sense) or angry (then a hot sensory reaction would be more logical). Overall, still love, want to read it right now!!! (#7)
Pitch: I'd add computer in front of hacking because, well, hacking skills could also mean he's a lumberjack or a killer, which makes this a whole 'nother story. ;)
ReplyDelete+1: Good. Sets the tone. Characterization clear. Writing flows. Tension on first page. I'm a little in love with Berkley, just from this opening page.
Nice job.
(#14 OSN)
I love this concept! Twins, mystery, a girl coming between brothers, so much fun. My only advice would be that I wanted a bit more sense of Travis and Ben's personalities. I picture them sort of like the Winkelvoss twins, but I think that's only because their school sounds like a private school to me. Good luck with this!
ReplyDeleteI love love love this! The concept of the whole cat and mouse is so much fun and I love the voice. I have a few minor nitpicks and they are serious minor. In your stakes line I'm not 100% clear how losing the game equates to losing each other. Is it because she is driving a wedge between them with the game? Likewise I'm not 100% sure how winning will ruin the friendship. I assume you mean with Berkely. Is this because one twin likes her and the other doesnt?
ReplyDeleteAlso just a technicality question, does travis not wear glasses? Couldn't they both just wear glasses and that solve the problem. A tiny hint of clarity there would close the tiny hole there.
But honestly I'm poking tiny holes in a solid amazing pitch and concept. I'd love to read this!
Best of luck!