Title: THE GREAT WOODS
Word count: 37,000
Genre: Middle grade contemporary fantasy
Pitch:
Eleven-year-old Jenny is spending the summer with her grandparents in Maine while her parents settle the details of their divorce. To escape the family turmoil, Jenny runs to the forbidden woods behind the house. She discovers a world of magic and music, of elves and unicorns. In the woods, there is no fighting, and Jenny can solve every problem. She frees a trapped unicorn. She helps birth a foal. So Jenny returns to the woods despite warnings from her family and the elves to stay away.
But Jenny is wrong. She exposes the unicorns to a virus, and they begin dying. To get the medicine they need, she must pass a lion and steal a giant’s blood. Her grandfather gives her his beloved horse, and Jenny sets off. Along the way, she’ll face hunger, injury, and her greatest fear. Jenny’s hardest challenge, though, will be returning to her splintering family.
First 250:
It began with the fireflies, as magic often does. Jenny was in the field behind her grandparents’ house with her younger brother, chasing fireflies. She spied a good one, low-flying and lazy, and followed it past the shed and into the darkening woods.
“Jen-ny,” Billy’s voice echoed through the trees. Jenny smiled. He was worse than Gran. That night, though, Jenny wouldn’t be bothered about Billy and his fretting. Or about her grumpy grandparents and their boring old house, or her parents a million miles away in Evanston. She scanned the woods like a prowling jaguar. She wanted that flashing light, and she was going to get it.
The light flared to her left. Jenny crept up to it. She had her special blue jar, the one her dad gave her right before she left, tight in her hands. She lunged for the firefly, but it darted past a thin beech. Jenny pursed her lips and blew her bangs out of her eyes. You’re not getting away that easy, mister.
Little sticks and sharp pebbles replaced the soft July grass under her bare feet as she got deeper into the woods. That should have been a sign – the woods knew Jenny didn’t belong there, and tried to urge her away. Jenny didn’t notice the warning, though. She only had eyes for that small and magical glow.
The firefly lit beyond a low bush, and Jenny’s eyes lit with it. It was close. She could get it. She tiptoed toward it.
Excellent new pitch. Spot on. And I love your first line.
ReplyDeletePitch: Ditto on the excellent revision!
ReplyDelete250: Okay, I can't wait until this is published, I want to read it NOW!
I have to say Wow! this is so much stronger. I understand the story so much better from the pitch and you made the first scene come to life. Bravo.
ReplyDeleteYou had me at the first line. <3 I didn't see the original pitch, but this sells the story so much I forgot I was reading a pitch entry and leapt first thing to the. I love the stakes, I love the conflicts, and I wish I could read this right now. It sounds like a better version of Bridge to Teribitha to me where the magic, almost like a metaphor, helps her work through her real life issues. And anything with unicorns is an immediate YES for me.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! This is brilliant.
--#1 WHO IS BERKLEY ADAMS
I love this! My one question is how were the woods urging her away? Did the trees push her backwards making it windy?
ReplyDeleteHi there! This is a sweet opening! I would move backstory to later in the book when absolutely necessary. This took me out of the wonderful action: "Jenny smiled. He was worse than Gran. That night, though, Jenny wouldn’t be bothered about Billy and his fretting. Or about her grumpy grandparents and their boring old house, or her parents a million miles away in Evanston." Otherwise, I think this is a great opening!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Shari
Pitch is clear. Voice in +1 is lovely and appropriate for MG. I suggest removing 2nd paragraph because it impedes active flow. Info is backstory that can be worked in later. The visual details are wonderful. I'd like other senses engaged as well.
ReplyDeleteSuper job! (#14 OSN)