BLUE GENES
83,000 words
YA Romance
Pitch:
Meliana is cursed with brown eyes–the mark of ignorance–and restricted to manual labor. Her contact with the intelligent Blue-eyed is limited to disciplinary whippings–until Gregor.
When her sick mother cannot meet the production quota–a punishable offense–Meliana studies the machine that keeps track of their work and disables it. Gregor learns of her crime, sees cleverness, and offers to educate her in secret. Meliana doesn’t trust Gregor, whose motives are unknown, but she needs a better life.
After weeks of clandestine lessons, Gregor’s blue eyes still make her knees weak, but it’s no longer from fear. When Meliana reads her first word, she wonders if she’s the only intelligent Brown.
After unearthing evidence that her people’s exploitation was malicious, Meliana campaigns for a just world. By the time she realizes her actions have spawned a war, it’s too late. And she and Gregor are the epicenter.
First page:
Meliana strained her ears for Uncle Edwin’s stomp-and-drag walk, but she only heard the distant yelling of other farmers. She squeezed the worn handle of her scythe, trying to numb the pain of her broken blisters. Swing, cut, gather, repeat. The grains danced in the wind, taunting her, unfazed by her curved blade. They rustled with laughter each time their coarse spikelets cut her broken flesh.
Her neighboring farmer, Kellan, crossed into her assigned sector, his bony arms tense. Meliana gripped her scythe so tight her knuckles whitened.
“Ya stole my harvest,” Kellan said, approaching defensively as if she were a wild animal. “Thanks to you, I didn’t meet my quota yesterday.”
“I wouldn’t take your harvest if it sprouted legs and walked itself into my hand.” The last worker to scuffle with Kellan lost an arm for allegedly taking two bundles of bana wheat.
Kellan shambled closer, his bloodshot eyes shifty. “No one understands you or yer crazy mutterin’s. Yer mother hasn’t been in the fields. Ya must’ve stolen to make up her quota.”
“I didn’t steal! My uncle and I are covering for her.” Kellan didn’t need to know they were two days behind. One more and the envoy’s whip would crack.
Kellan raised his scythe, the field tool now the grim reaper’s weapon. Squashing the urge to fight for her sick mother’s sake, Meliana threw some harvest to Kellan. “Take that and go.” She jabbed her scythe out. “If you come back, I’ll show you crazy.”
Love the pitch and the premise. Also love the title :) Unfortunately, I can't think of anything for you to fix. I mean unfortunately for me because I can't offer help--but good for you because I think you nailed it.
ReplyDeletePS. Would love to connect with you so give me a follow on twitter and I'll follow you back :) https://twitter.com/KristaWayment
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad we connected, Krista! Thank you so much for your kind words!
ReplyDeleteGood Morning Author,
ReplyDeleteI am going to write this while walking gingerly on egg shells. I like the concept though it has a modern day slavery/WWII feel to it. By that I mean putting people in a lower class because of a God given trait. I know there is a catalyst that is going to start a war, but I am not sure how two people will ignite that?
Then there was the part about her disabling machines that counted quota, but they have 'browns' out in the field harvesting with a reaper. Feels like a step back in time, but how did machines that count quota survive and not combines?
What keeps the blues from just killing her and the boy to squash the rule breakers and return fear and order to the browns?
Is the war between the browns and blues? If so, how did a field hand get out the information to enough people to start a war? Or did someone come to their aid?
I am sure it is all written after the first 250 words and the 150 pitch, but the fact that she started a war (raising enough people to fight against the blues) while working in a field with other browns and no mass media source is a bit of a stretch to me.
As for the first 250. You do a great job of using your words. I think the paragraph:
“I wouldn’t take your harvest if it sprouted legs and walked itself into my hand.” The last worker to scuffle with Kellan lost an arm for allegedly taking two bundles of bana wheat.
Needs to be separated. I had to stop and do a reread because the are two very separate thoughts put back to back, or insert a little break like ...into my hand," I sassed.
All and all a twist on past and future! Good Luck!
Fellow Contestant & Writing Friend
Not sure why this posted twice.. Sorry!
DeleteGood Morning Author,
ReplyDeleteI am going to write this while walking gingerly on egg shells. I like the concept though it has a modern day slavery/WWII feel to it. By that I mean putting people in a lower class because of a God given trait. I know there is a catalyst that is going to start a war, but I am not sure how two people will ignite that?
Then there was the part about her disabling machines that counted quota, but they have 'browns' out in the field harvesting with a reaper. Feels like a step back in time, but how did machines that count quota survive and not combines?
What keeps the blues from just killing her and the boy to squash the rule breakers and return fear and order to the browns?
Is the war between the browns and blues? If so, how did a field hand get out the information to enough people to start a war? Or did someone come to their aid?
I am sure it is all written after the first 250 words and the 150 pitch, but the fact that she started a war (raising enough people to fight against the blues) while working in a field with other browns and no mass media source is a bit of a stretch to me.
As for the first 250. You do a great job of using your words. I think the paragraph:
“I wouldn’t take your harvest if it sprouted legs and walked itself into my hand.” The last worker to scuffle with Kellan lost an arm for allegedly taking two bundles of bana wheat.
Needs to be separated. I had to stop and do a reread because the are two very separate thoughts put back to back, or insert a little break like ...into my hand," I sassed.
All and all a twist on past and future! Good Luck!
Fellow Contestant & Writing Friend
Hi MPEagles,
DeleteThank you for your interest in Blue Genes and for commenting! I'd love to answer some of the questions you raised.
Because of Gregor, Meliana eventually leaves the field and spreads the word, which catches like wildfire since the Browns are enraged to discover they’d been lied to and taken advantage of.
The Blues do not kill her because they don’t know what’s going on until the revolution is already beginning. In a sea of hundreds of thousands of laborers, one worker is hard to track, especially when she’s making an effort to conceal her rebellion.
You were surprised that a society with so much technology would have their farmers working in the fields with primitive tools. Consider our own society where we live in high-tech luxury while our fruit is picked by hand and our clothes are made by primitive means by people who experience little of our world.
I’ll see if there’s a way I can hint at some of these things in the pitch. Thank you for your time! Best of luck to you as well.
Excellent answers! I ask because I care about understanding your artwork. If a question isn't asked, the author can't share. I hope you didn't take it as harsh. It is so very hard to get a full feel for a book in 150. With that information. Consider expanding your genre to more than just romance. Sub genre? There is a good social justice vibe that seems to be deeper than what you are leading on with in the pitch. When I read romance I was looking more at their relationship. Now that you expanded it a bit more, the book seems to be so much more.
DeleteSide note: here in PA our fruit is picked mostly by a machine that gently vibrates the trees/shrubs and they drop down into a funnel like bin that drops them in the crates.
Thank you for your update!
Thank you for your response! Great suggestions about the genre.
DeleteGloria, I think this is a strong premise, really am intrigued by the brown eyes vs. blue eyes class structure. I wonder if you should do a bit more world-building in the pitch. I know it's hard to do in 150 words but I think a little more context could help make the idea of an illicit romance and eventual war between these two factions more specific and more exciting. Your opening page reads well, but here again, maybe a few more specific details organic to the scene could help better illustrate this world. Good work and good luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your time, BHilson! I appreciate your comments. Best of luck to you!
DeleteHowdy, this is your neighbor from #21 stopping by to do give some feedback.
ReplyDeleteI thought as other people commented that you could switch the genre. That's a pretty easy thing to fix and is just a way of conforming the novel to pre-existing stereotypes. My read is that the novel is dystopian--it has the same kind of social hierarchy set in a different world as Brave New World, The Road and the Hunger Games. Again, easy thing to fix, but it will help the agent set the context of the novel while reading it.
Given that caveat, I think there is also room for a bit more info in the pitch about the setting of the novel. Its clear that its someplace else (i.e., there haven't been any people called the Blue Eyes), so we need to know just a bit more about what that place is. Earth in a distant dystopian future? Or another planet entirely? A re-imagined past? Just a few words can make the setting clear as a bell. Overall I thought the writing in the pitch was strong.
On the 250, I have the same thought. Just give us a brief phrase to contextualize the scene. We know its a farm and we know its a conflict. But the somewhat strange words (i.e., Blue etc.) can throw the reader without a context. Of course, there's a balance between enticing and confusing the reader, and its very hard to walk that line. But I thought you could throw in just a few words to help set the scene, which would make the conflict that follows more poignant. As with the pitch, the writing itself is strong, as is the decision to start with a recognizable conflict that immediately puts the characters into some kind of tension with each other.
Hi neighbor! Thanks for your comments! I'll be stopping by shortly.
DeletePitch: Great job making it clear what the stakes are and choosing which details to include here. It’s true we’ll eventually want to know where and when the story takes place, but you might not need to go into much detail in the pitch itself. You’ll get to explain in other parts of the query letter—which is why the genre description is so important. It’s definitely something other than romance, which implies it takes place in our time and place. One thing you might consider is playing up how your story is different from similar stories that are out there. The intelligence/ignorance angle strikes me as unique. Maybe share something about why Meliana has believed she’s ignorant until Gregor showed her otherwise.
ReplyDeleteFirst page: Great place to start. We get right into a specific conflict but are also given some big picture info.
Thank you for your comments, Lesley! Best of luck!
DeleteI really love your pitch! However, I'm not sure Romance best describes the genre. It seems almost Dystopian Romance (if that's a thing?).
ReplyDeleteThe first 250 are effective for me as well. I'm really interested to see where this goes--good luck!
Domenic (#28)
Thank you for your comments, Domenic! Best of luck!
DeletePitch: I think your changes really strengthened your pitch.
ReplyDelete250:You set your world up pretty well. I'm still wondering how much Kellan factors into the rest of the story. Definitely I would want to read this. Good luck! (#38)