XAVIER AND THE MYSTERIOUS BLACK SPACESHIP
42,000 words
MG Science Fiction Adventure
Pitch:
Twelve-year-old Xavier Howell has a knack for making things go awry on a colossal scale—for example, his beetle trap science fair project became a minefield of dung bombs. Other than that, he's just an ordinary kid on an outer world colony . . . as far as he knows.
Everything changes when a mysterious spaceship shows up and fries the colony to a crisp, leaving everyone homeless. Xavier's puzzle box plays a holographic message of his long dead mother. Xavier learns about the microchip in his head that "The Man" will do anything to get his hands on.
With a band of eclectic sidekicks that includes a quirky professor, a robot with multiple personalities, and Lillian, the super genius, Xavier must escape the mysterious spaceship, discover his own amazing talents, and solve his mother's riddles—all while using his impressive and non-dorky ninja moves to dodge giant, man-eating plants.
First Page:
I thought to myself: Self, that’s not supposed to happen—just as the second dung bomb exploded.
Watching the smelly, sticky, brownish-green substance fly through the air like shrapnel, I realized somewhere I'd made a slight miscalculation. Crouched in one of the wheat fields that surrounded the colony on Kevin 5, I took a moment to review the parameters of my little beetle catching science fair experiment.
The beetle traps consisted of plastic trays holding a chemical Mr. Finch, the colony's bug guy, assured me would be poisonous to the black-bellied grain beetle. The trays were covered by a heap of cow dung to attract said beetles (again according to the illustrious Mr. Finch). Perhaps I should've consulted the colony chemist, too?
The third beetle-trap-turned-dung-bomb exploded.
"Xavier Howell!"
I cringed. I didn't recognize the voice, the colony was small but not that small, but its tone was certainly familiar. My reputation had preceded me. Turning around slowly, I came face to knees with one of the grain farmers. I couldn't remember the man’s name, but I might've been distracted by the fact that he was covered—from head to toe—in dung.
"Yes, sir?" Why does my voice always crack at times like these?
"What in—"
His angry reply was cut off by the fourth and final explosion. The trap I'd proudly dubbed ‘The Hotel’ went out in a blaze of glory, spewing forth a cloud of brown and a jet of yellow flames.
Everything changes when a mysterious spaceship shows up and fries the colony to a crisp, leaving everyone homeless. Xavier's puzzle box plays a holographic message of his long dead mother. Xavier learns about the microchip in his head that "The Man" will do anything to get his hands on.
With a band of eclectic sidekicks that includes a quirky professor, a robot with multiple personalities, and Lillian, the super genius, Xavier must escape the mysterious spaceship, discover his own amazing talents, and solve his mother's riddles—all while using his impressive and non-dorky ninja moves to dodge giant, man-eating plants.
First Page:
I thought to myself: Self, that’s not supposed to happen—just as the second dung bomb exploded.
Watching the smelly, sticky, brownish-green substance fly through the air like shrapnel, I realized somewhere I'd made a slight miscalculation. Crouched in one of the wheat fields that surrounded the colony on Kevin 5, I took a moment to review the parameters of my little beetle catching science fair experiment.
The beetle traps consisted of plastic trays holding a chemical Mr. Finch, the colony's bug guy, assured me would be poisonous to the black-bellied grain beetle. The trays were covered by a heap of cow dung to attract said beetles (again according to the illustrious Mr. Finch). Perhaps I should've consulted the colony chemist, too?
The third beetle-trap-turned-dung-bomb exploded.
"Xavier Howell!"
I cringed. I didn't recognize the voice, the colony was small but not that small, but its tone was certainly familiar. My reputation had preceded me. Turning around slowly, I came face to knees with one of the grain farmers. I couldn't remember the man’s name, but I might've been distracted by the fact that he was covered—from head to toe—in dung.
"Yes, sir?" Why does my voice always crack at times like these?
"What in—"
His angry reply was cut off by the fourth and final explosion. The trap I'd proudly dubbed ‘The Hotel’ went out in a blaze of glory, spewing forth a cloud of brown and a jet of yellow flames.
This sounds like a lot of fun--and definitely hits the sweet spot for middle grade. (Exploding dung bombs, anyone!)
ReplyDeletePitch: I might reword the second paragraph, which sounded a bit disconnected to me. Here's my take: "Everything changes when a mysterious spaceship shows up and fries the colony to a crisp, leaving everyone homeless. In the wreckage, Xavier discovers a holographic message from his long dead mother. The message: there's a microchip in Xavier's head that "The Man" will do anything to get his hands on."
First page: I like the voice. "Slight miscalculation" is lovely. In the paragraph starting "I cringed," I would consider getting rid of "the colony was small, but not that small," and just write "I didn't recognize the voice, but its tone was certainly familiar."
All in all, this is an engaging beginning, and I can't wait to see how the story unfolds.
Michael (#15)
I agree Mike; Dung Bombs are great for that age range! The descriptor's had me cringing at their grossness. On top of it, he has ninja moves!
ReplyDeleteOn the suggestion side: The Man might be a little cliché. Maybe want to try coming up with something a little more 'out of this world'.
He is twelve years old. Is the professor at his school? If so, is a word resembling a teacher more appropriate? Professor gives me the feel of a college setting. If not: how does he know a random college professor? (I always think of Back to the future when someone says Professor in a book not relating to a college professor.)
Good stuff! Keep up the good work!
A fellow contestant and writing friend
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI like the changes you've made in the pitch. The first paragraph is great. The second, I stumbled a bit on the flow. It seems a bit disconnected. How about -Everything changes when a mysterious spaceship shows up and fries the colony to a crisp. When Xavier's puzzle box plays a holographic message of his long dead mother, he learns about the microchip in his head that "The Man" will do anything to get his hands on.
The last paragraph is awesome.
As to the 250, I love the voice. It's authentic and promises a great read. Nice. Best of luck!
Thanks for all the great feedback everyone :)
ReplyDeleteYour pitch was very engaging and well-written. You used such vivid, unique words and clearly stated the who, what, when, and where. I'm not an MG expert, but this sounds perfect for that age-range! Great job!
ReplyDeleteYour first 250 was also wonderful, as expected based on the pitch. Your descriptors were again, so vivid, and I could imagine MG readers squealing at the dung bombs. The only small suggestion I have: I had to read "the colony was small, but not that small" a couple times because I was so engrossed in the beetles that I didn't realize the MC was living in a colony. I thought at first we were talking about a beetle colony.
I loved "I came face to knees," " but I might've been distracted by the fact that he was covered—from head to toe—in dung," "spewing forth a cloud of brown and a jet of yellow flames." Love how much you accomplished with just 250 words!
I really adore the way his thoughts flow with the action. They manage not to get in the way while still giving a excellent taste of Xavier's personality. It's skillfully done.
ReplyDeleteLove the pitch! A couple of minor comments: "fries to a crisp" is very visual. Almost too visual for me. For a second I thought that the entire population was burned alive. Also, I love the descriptions of the characters in the last paragraph, but I wonder if there's a stronger word you could use to describe the professor rather than "quirky." That could mean a lot of things, and the other characters are very specifically described.
ReplyDeleteAs for the first page--love the voice and the action. Would love to read more!
Good luck :) (#28)
Great pitch. The only thing I can suggest is maybe starting with the second paragraph right out of the gate and mix in the details of Xavier's character.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph is stellar. Again, the only slight change I can offer is to lead off with, "Just as the second dung bomb exploded, I thought to myself: Self, that’s not supposed to happen."
Nice work! Best of luck.
Mike (#19)
Great first line! I can tell this is going to be tons of fun. I love Xavier's voice and the way he obviously doesn't set out to be a troublemaker, trouble just stalks him anyway. I like the idea of a MG novel set in outer space- what could be more exciting to kids. Nice work.
ReplyDeletePitch: I remember this from another posting and I think you've improved the pitch. Second paragraph: connect the last two sentences with an "and" so it flows better. I think a MG audience will love this.
ReplyDelete250: Great voice. It holds up to the premise of the pitch. I would make the first line more active: When the second dung bomb exploded I knew something was wrong. This sentence: I didn't recognize the voice, the colony was small but not that small, but its tone was certainly familiar. is also awkward. Maybe the commas would be better off as em dashes.
Good luck! (#38)