Thursday, February 19, 2015

Entry #30: THE SIX

THE SIX
65,000 words
YA Thriller

Pitch

When six students at Flagstaff's Xavier Prep are blamed for an explosion in the lab, they're given a choice. Be expelled or complete an internship for Ammon Carver, a technocrat with a social media site called The Six.

The motley group includes a student politician, a scholar turned pregnant teen and the suave scion of the town’s richest family. With futures on the line, they agree to test Carver’s site. He says it’s designed to show the consequences of online behavior. But that’s an understatement. The interns use The Six to make pizzas and homework assignments appear with a click.

When one takes their new power too far, some interns vow to shut down the site forever. But first, they'll have to do something about the killer cheerleaders who’ve trapped them inside the school.

THE SIX is a high stakes Breakfast Club where one wrong click may cost you your life.


First Page of THE SIX

One piece of paper. That’s all it took to change Rachel Benedict’s destiny.

Before fourth period, she spotted the square red note taped to her locker. AP Chemistry moved to Classroom Six. It would figure the new classroom was on the opposite side of the world. Somebody up there must love watching her waddle around. As she ducked between polo-clad preppies loitering in the hall she reminded herself that this had to work. Xavier Prep was her last chance.

Classroom six was in Old Main. The red brick building at the back of campus started out as a church, became the school, and was now neglected in favor of more modern stucco halls.

Rachel arrived in Flagstaff, Arizona in time to start the winter term. It was day three and so far no one stared at her too much. No one whisperedscience slut. It had to be the matronly uniform. Even at six months pregnant, she looked the same as everybody else. And when you spent your sixteenth birthday staring at a tiny pink strip, these small victories mattered.

The crowds thinned as she moved into the old building. She swung open the classroom door to find a cluster of students blocking the entrance.

A tall girl huffed in a mixture of surprise and irritation. "Oh great. What the hell are you doing here?" Rachel stared at the tan legs that shot out from the regulation plaid skirt. Somehow this girl turned the uniform into a sexy schoolgirl costume.


16 comments:

  1. Your opening 250 is very well-written. There's nothing I see as needing improvement in it.

    For the pitch, my thoughts would be that getting an internship as a punishment seems like too good a deal, especially with the perks that are mentioned. Perhaps it could be referred to as 'community service' of some type?

    Also, the killer cheerleaders's appearance feels out of left field. I feel the pitch's conclusion would have more impact if we knew why they were there or who they are working for.

    Best of luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey thanks so much for the feedback!! I think you're right on the cheerleader thing. I have a 250 word version of this pitch and it does a better job explaining the cheerleaders. I really like that part of my book but maybe that sentence doesn't belong here. :)

      Delete
  2. Pitch:
    Just a personal preference - I'd prefer a colon after "given a choice" instead of a period.
    The internship doesn't sound bad. I'm slightly confused why it's even a choice since it seems obviously better than expulsion. Maybe you can add a descriptor to explain why the internship is bad? Even after the second paragraph, it still seems awesome. Another suggestion for this issue is to take out the choice and just say their community service-like punishment is this internship.
    The killer cheerleaders are intriguing, but seem to come out of nowhere. Maybe you can give us more detail as to their motives? I'd also like more detail about how the power is taken too far and what the stakes are. You hint that it could cost a life, but the connection is still hazy for me.

    First page:
    Personal preference: "Figures the new classroom" instead of "It would figure the new classroom"
    I like "somebody up there must love watching her waddle around."
    Comma after "loitering in the hall."
    Typo: space between "whispered" and "science"
    I love the description paragraph of Rachel. Very vivid and informative.
    I like the voice and premise! Best of luck!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for this. I'm going to try and work out a way to handle the internship. The issue is that these are kids who don't know/like each other. So hanging out to test the website isn't necessarily positive. But the phrasing could use work. Thanks again. :)

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  3. I just saw eltsmith's comment. Seems we agree! Sorry for repeating!

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  4. Kelly,
    Man if I was a teen and I was offered expulsion over a job at Facebook... duh! Right?
    Love Breakfast Club *Don't you forget about me... plays gently in the background while I give a fist pump...
    Like the use of numbers.. Classroom Six, company called The Six. Check the Caps on your Six's though. You capitalize it in one section but then in paragraph three it is lowercase at the beginning 'Classroom six was in Old Main.'
    Other than that the people above me have the rest under control.
    Good Luck and Happy Writing!
    Fellow Competitor & Writing Friend #35

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  5. Thanks so much for checking my entry out! Really appreciate the feedback :)

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  6. Hi,
    Okay, I love, love thrillers. And this is one I'd read in a snap. I like the way you describe the characters. I can get the voice there and anticipate that this is going to be a fun read.
    Query - My questions echo the ones above. Internships are hard to come by, so getting one seems more a reward than a punishment. Also, the part about the killer cheerleaders totally threw me. Not sure how they play into the set up. The last line is awesome! I love it.
    The 250 delivers on the voice promised in the pitch. I can't think of anything to change.
    Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Great concept! And it sounds like a fun cast of character's you've pulled together. They are certain to drive each other nuts and entertain the reader!

    In your pitch -
    I'd love to know a little more about the media site. pizza and homework appears. Are there restrictions? Costs? Does it seem too good to be true? I'd also love to know more about the threat from the cheerleaders. Did they do something on the site that annoyed them? Are they enforcers for the owner of the site?

    In your 250:
    I love your ya voice. The only thing I wonder about is the details on the old building from someone's who only spent 3 days at the school.

    Best of luck!
    Rebecca

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for the feedback! I really appreciate the note on the building. I think I'll revise to address that.

      Delete
  8. I enjoyed the 250, and besides a brief suggestion to change "spending your sixteenth birthday" to "spending her sixteenth birthday," I don't think there's much to change. :)

    As for the pitch, I find the way details are displayed should be swapped. The details given right now confuse me--making pizzas appear and killer cheerleaders (though I DO love the sound of both haha)--while the ones I really need aren't there: "When one takes their new power too far, some interns...." Which one takes their new power too far--one of the motley crew that's our MCs? HOW do they take their new power too far? This last question is most important to clarify, as this is main conflict, and the former question because it outlines our antagonist--both things necessary for a strong pitch. Also, are "some interns" who try to shut it down our motley group or others (I'm assuming they are, but why not just say their motley group must defeat, etc.?).

    I love the sound of this story, and I'm incredibly intrigued! Plus I'm a sucker for anything to do with programming ;) These issues do stand out to me as I read, but they're fairly quick fixes, and from what I've seen from you, you are certainly capable of sprucing up the glitches here and there.

    Good luck, Kelly! You've got this :)
    -#34

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Kayla! I really appreciate your suggestions :)

      Delete
  9. Pitch:
    Is there a reason you only describe three of the six teens? I'm guessing it's word count, but since you mention six kids (and they're working for a group called the Six), it seems odd to only describe three. I think the killer cheerleaders add to the stakes, so I wouldn't recommend deleting them, but maybe adding something else they have to face so it's not just cheerleaders. I see that my feedback is to add more even though we have a strict word count, so maybe these can't all be addressed, but food for thought!

    First Page:
    Love it! Question though: Are you going to be writing in multiple perspectives? I suppose it doesn't matter for the purposes of the contest, but I think it would be really cool if your chapters alternated perspectives of the six teens. I'm a sucker for multi-POV books haha. Good luck!

    Domenic (#28)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Domenic! I so appreciate your comments. It is a multi-POV book, and you're right, I had a ton of difficulties squeezing the characters into the 150 word count. I really appreciate the note on the cheerleaders.

      Delete
  10. Pitch: I loved this when I saw it before and I like how you've changed it so it's not so much from Rachel's perspective. The others have made some good comments: maybe on the internship, you could change "complete an internship for Ammon Carver" to "become lab rats for Ammon Carver" giving it a more negative connotation. And how about "When one takes their new power too far" being changed to "When one uses their new power for murder" (or attempted murder?)-can't quite remember what the other pitch said, but a little more specificity would make this stronger. The cheerleaders, I assume, are ordered from the site, right? But first, they'll have to outrun their classmate's made-to-order killer cheerleaders.

    250: Stellar. I wouldn't change anything. Good luck! (#38)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Pitch: I loved this when I saw it before and I like how you've changed it so it's not so much from Rachel's perspective. The others have made some good comments: maybe on the internship, you could change "complete an internship for Ammon Carver" to "become lab rats for Ammon Carver" giving it a more negative connotation. And how about "When one takes their new power too far" being changed to "When one uses their new power for murder" (or attempted murder?)-can't quite remember what the other pitch said, but a little more specificity would make this stronger. The cheerleaders, I assume, are ordered from the site, right? But first, they'll have to outrun their classmate's made-to-order killer cheerleaders.

    250: Stellar. I wouldn't change anything. Good luck! (#38)

    ReplyDelete

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