MASH-UP
69,500
MG science fiction
Pitch:
Eleven-year-old Maxine freaks when shouts and the pounding of feet pull her out of her mystery novel and into a school in chaos. Medieval knights battle space marines in the halls. A student hit by a sword vanishes in a flash of light and Maxine sets aside her book to hunt for clues.
Clue #1: the sunglasses handed out by the science teacher caused this mess. Wearing them turns you into your favorite video game avatar, armed with ray gun, sword or fireballs. But the science teacher is missing because her brother, Jared, took him out. He’s so going to be in trouble for that!
Maxine’s forced to ask her gamer brother for help. Jared can get her past the crazies to take down the game and find out if those who vanished are alive. But to do this, Jared and Maxine must accomplish the impossible: learn to work together.
First 5 pages:
I stepped through the steel, gray front doors of Thompson Middle School, then stopped dead. Aaron followed my gaze to the center of the wide-open foyer and snorted.
My tall, balding, evil science teacher stood in the middle of the foyer wearing rock star sunglasses even though the fluorescent lights weren’t bright. The glasses were dark and mirrored, the kind that wrap around on the sides so no sunlight could get in. Sykes held a second pair high over his head. He yelled something I couldn’t make out over the start-of-school-day confusion. But I could see a crowd of kids listening to him.
Voluntarily listening to him.
Huh?
There was definitely something odd going on.
“Someone needs to tell that guy he’s not cool and never will be,” Aaron said.
“Not me. My science grade is at half a heart and I’m out of health potions.” I cocked my head to the side. “Still, this is odd, even for Sykes.”
“Yo!” someone behind us called. We were blocking a busload of kids on their way in.
“What’s your hurry?” I called over my shoulder. Anxious to get lectured at, to get assigned your next research paper? We were all sentenced to two years of torture in this brick and cement building. Fifth and sixth grades. Then we got turned over to the junior high for torture of a different flavor. There was no need to rush.
As I started forward, I saw Principal Colgan had her eye on Sykes too. She stood inside the front office looking out through the window in the door, her lips pressed into a line, her eyes narrowed. The smile with which she usually greeted a new school day was gone.
“Try these, Jared.” My friend, Brad, walked up to me wearing sunglasses identical to Sykes’s. He drew a small black case out of a bag slung over his shoulder. With a flourish, he scanned a bar code into his smart phone, selected my name, Jared Cooke, from a list of students, then handed me the case. He repeated the process for Aaron.
“What’s this?” I opened the case. Inside was a pair of those sunglasses. Why would I wear the same sunglasses as my evil science teacher?
“Free trial of Game On! glasses,” Brad replied. “Mr. Sykes says they’re supposed to be great. The next big thing. The only catch is you gotta fill out a feedback form on how you liked them at the end of the day.” With a nod, he moved on, taking out two more cases for the girls behind us.
I stared at the sunglasses in my hand. They did look cool. The fact that Sykes had arranged this trial wasn’t gonna make me like him, but I’d try the sunglasses anyway. Why not? I slid them on. The frames fit snugly, like they were made for me.
“So,” I turned to Aaron, “do I look good?” I struck a pose, arms crossed over my chest, head cocked to one side, big attitude.
“Sure, dude. Cooler than Sykes anyway.” He snickered and slid on his own pair.
For Aaron, the shades worked. They completed his rebel look—shoulder-length black hair and lopsided grin. I hoped they looked as good with my short brown hair and freckles. Probably not. Aaron had the looks on our game team. But I was the brains of this duo. He’d never get through the major battles without me.
I imagined I looked as cool as Aaron, and we did a Men in Black strut down the hall ‘til we reached our first stop, Aaron’s homeroom.
“Later.” Aaron gave me a mock salute.
“Later,” I echoed, tipping my imaginary hat.
Aaron was my gaming bud. I wished we were home, settled in for a marathon session of The Lord of the Rings. But today was Tuesday. There were four full days ‘til we could get a serious game going. Maybe we could catch an hour if we had a light homework night. But there weren’t many light homework nights for sixth graders at Thompson Middle School.
I continued down the hall to my own homeroom. But with every step, my strut wore off a bit.
Four days.
Lots of guys called themselves gamers, but how serious were they? Me? I was dead serious. When we started playingThe Lord of the Rings, I read the books. Yeah, that was books, plural. There are three in fact: Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, The Return of the King. That’s a lot of pages.
Why didn’t I watch the movies? I’ll admit, that was my first plan, but Mom nixed it.
“We’ll buy the DVD’s as a reward after you read the books,” she said.
Most guys would have given up right there. They would have played the game clueless, never knowing what was coming. But I did my research. After reading the books and watching the movies, I was pretty much a TLOR expert. Everyone at school who played the game came to me when they got stuck.
Four days.
I trudged into the room and toward my seat in the back row.
“For heaven’s sake, Jared,” Mrs. Wainright called in a shrill voice. “Will you please take off those ridiculous sunglasses? I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to run a sunglass trial at school! You can use them outside at recess.”
But, of course, she did know who thought it was a good idea. Everyone who’d come in the front entrance had seen Sykes plugging these sunglasses. I smirked as I pulled them off. Sykes was gonna get an earful when he stepped into the teachers’ lounge.
I flipped open the case to put away the sunglasses, and a piece of paper floated to the floor. I picked it up.
Strange feedback form. I didn’t generally expect sunglasses to make me feel powerful. Or to make the day more fun. I just expected them to keep the sun out of my eyes. I guess they should look cool too.
I shook my head and tossed the case into my backpack. How could sunglasses make the day more fun?
69,500
MG science fiction
Pitch:
Eleven-year-old Maxine freaks when shouts and the pounding of feet pull her out of her mystery novel and into a school in chaos. Medieval knights battle space marines in the halls. A student hit by a sword vanishes in a flash of light and Maxine sets aside her book to hunt for clues.
Clue #1: the sunglasses handed out by the science teacher caused this mess. Wearing them turns you into your favorite video game avatar, armed with ray gun, sword or fireballs. But the science teacher is missing because her brother, Jared, took him out. He’s so going to be in trouble for that!
Maxine’s forced to ask her gamer brother for help. Jared can get her past the crazies to take down the game and find out if those who vanished are alive. But to do this, Jared and Maxine must accomplish the impossible: learn to work together.
First 5 pages:
MASH-UP
Chapter 1: One Odd Day (Jared)
My tall, balding, evil science teacher stood in the middle of the foyer wearing rock star sunglasses even though the fluorescent lights weren’t bright. The glasses were dark and mirrored, the kind that wrap around on the sides so no sunlight could get in. Sykes held a second pair high over his head. He yelled something I couldn’t make out over the start-of-school-day confusion. But I could see a crowd of kids listening to him.
Voluntarily listening to him.
Huh?
There was definitely something odd going on.
“Someone needs to tell that guy he’s not cool and never will be,” Aaron said.
“Not me. My science grade is at half a heart and I’m out of health potions.” I cocked my head to the side. “Still, this is odd, even for Sykes.”
“Yo!” someone behind us called. We were blocking a busload of kids on their way in.
“What’s your hurry?” I called over my shoulder. Anxious to get lectured at, to get assigned your next research paper? We were all sentenced to two years of torture in this brick and cement building. Fifth and sixth grades. Then we got turned over to the junior high for torture of a different flavor. There was no need to rush.
As I started forward, I saw Principal Colgan had her eye on Sykes too. She stood inside the front office looking out through the window in the door, her lips pressed into a line, her eyes narrowed. The smile with which she usually greeted a new school day was gone.
“Try these, Jared.” My friend, Brad, walked up to me wearing sunglasses identical to Sykes’s. He drew a small black case out of a bag slung over his shoulder. With a flourish, he scanned a bar code into his smart phone, selected my name, Jared Cooke, from a list of students, then handed me the case. He repeated the process for Aaron.
“What’s this?” I opened the case. Inside was a pair of those sunglasses. Why would I wear the same sunglasses as my evil science teacher?
“Free trial of Game On! glasses,” Brad replied. “Mr. Sykes says they’re supposed to be great. The next big thing. The only catch is you gotta fill out a feedback form on how you liked them at the end of the day.” With a nod, he moved on, taking out two more cases for the girls behind us.
I stared at the sunglasses in my hand. They did look cool. The fact that Sykes had arranged this trial wasn’t gonna make me like him, but I’d try the sunglasses anyway. Why not? I slid them on. The frames fit snugly, like they were made for me.
“So,” I turned to Aaron, “do I look good?” I struck a pose, arms crossed over my chest, head cocked to one side, big attitude.
“Sure, dude. Cooler than Sykes anyway.” He snickered and slid on his own pair.
For Aaron, the shades worked. They completed his rebel look—shoulder-length black hair and lopsided grin. I hoped they looked as good with my short brown hair and freckles. Probably not. Aaron had the looks on our game team. But I was the brains of this duo. He’d never get through the major battles without me.
I imagined I looked as cool as Aaron, and we did a Men in Black strut down the hall ‘til we reached our first stop, Aaron’s homeroom.
“Later.” Aaron gave me a mock salute.
“Later,” I echoed, tipping my imaginary hat.
Aaron was my gaming bud. I wished we were home, settled in for a marathon session of The Lord of the Rings. But today was Tuesday. There were four full days ‘til we could get a serious game going. Maybe we could catch an hour if we had a light homework night. But there weren’t many light homework nights for sixth graders at Thompson Middle School.
I continued down the hall to my own homeroom. But with every step, my strut wore off a bit.
Four days.
Lots of guys called themselves gamers, but how serious were they? Me? I was dead serious. When we started playingThe Lord of the Rings, I read the books. Yeah, that was books, plural. There are three in fact: Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, The Return of the King. That’s a lot of pages.
Why didn’t I watch the movies? I’ll admit, that was my first plan, but Mom nixed it.
“We’ll buy the DVD’s as a reward after you read the books,” she said.
Most guys would have given up right there. They would have played the game clueless, never knowing what was coming. But I did my research. After reading the books and watching the movies, I was pretty much a TLOR expert. Everyone at school who played the game came to me when they got stuck.
Four days.
I trudged into the room and toward my seat in the back row.
“For heaven’s sake, Jared,” Mrs. Wainright called in a shrill voice. “Will you please take off those ridiculous sunglasses? I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to run a sunglass trial at school! You can use them outside at recess.”
But, of course, she did know who thought it was a good idea. Everyone who’d come in the front entrance had seen Sykes plugging these sunglasses. I smirked as I pulled them off. Sykes was gonna get an earful when he stepped into the teachers’ lounge.
I flipped open the case to put away the sunglasses, and a piece of paper floated to the floor. I picked it up.
We Need Your Feedback!
Thanks for trying Game On! glasses, a revolutionary product designed to bring out the best in your
inner warrior! Please provide us with feedback by rating these sunglasses on the dimensions below.
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| Game On! glasses are cool. |
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| Game On! glasses make me look good. |
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| Game On! glasses make me feel powerful. |
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| Game On! glasses make the day more fun. |
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| I would recommend Game On! glasses to a friend. |
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Strange feedback form. I didn’t generally expect sunglasses to make me feel powerful. Or to make the day more fun. I just expected them to keep the sun out of my eyes. I guess they should look cool too.
I shook my head and tossed the case into my backpack. How could sunglasses make the day more fun?
You already know I love your story :).
ReplyDeleteThese are nitpick suggestions:
You need a comma in the line: A student hit by a sword vanishes in a flash of light (comma) and Maxine sets aside her book to hunt for clues.
Maybe instead of “Clue #1”, you could say Her first clue: … or, She discovers a clue:… only because we never see further clues in the pitch.
You could show the second line in the second paragraph and give the pitch even more voice (which is already great, by the way): When she slips them on, kids morph into game avatars, armed with ray gun, sword or fireballs. And Maxine? She’s Nancy Drew, ready to take on the case (although I realize you’re limited for words here).
My only other concern is the pitch is from Maxine’s pov, but the first chapter is Jared’s, but it's difficult to write a pitch that makes it clear an MS is in two povs.
The voice in your pitch is great, and the story sounds really interesting. I did stumble over the first paragraph in your pitch, though. Mentioning that she's reading a book won't be relevant to the pitch, unless you incorporate that somehow into the story (books vs. video games or something like that). Maybe try out something like this:
ReplyDelete"Eleven-year-old Maxine's school is in chaos. Medieval knights battle space marines in the halls. A student hit by a sword vanishes in a flash of light. Maxine, inspired by the mystery novels she reads, decides to hunt for clues."
I was also really confused by the POV. The pitch talks about a female MC, but the first chapter is in Jared's POV (which startled me, because I remembered this story having male MC). Will there be dual POVs, or is this like a prologue? If it's dual POV, I would make that clearer in the pitch.
Good luck!