tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post6801202379634057257..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #17: MASH-UPMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-48428674913268270372014-09-14T22:22:21.863-04:002014-09-14T22:22:21.863-04:00The voice in your pitch is great, and the story so...The voice in your pitch is great, and the story sounds really interesting. I did stumble over the first paragraph in your pitch, though. Mentioning that she's reading a book won't be relevant to the pitch, unless you incorporate that somehow into the story (books vs. video games or something like that). Maybe try out something like this:<br /><br />"Eleven-year-old Maxine's school is in chaos. Medieval knights battle space marines in the halls. A student hit by a sword vanishes in a flash of light. Maxine, inspired by the mystery novels she reads, decides to hunt for clues."<br /><br />I was also really confused by the POV. The pitch talks about a female MC, but the first chapter is in Jared's POV (which startled me, because I remembered this story having male MC). Will there be dual POVs, or is this like a prologue? If it's dual POV, I would make that clearer in the pitch.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-60242075756795675182014-09-10T08:12:20.305-04:002014-09-10T08:12:20.305-04:00You already know I love your story :).
These are...You already know I love your story :). <br /><br />These are nitpick suggestions: <br /><br />You need a comma in the line: A student hit by a sword vanishes in a flash of light (comma) and Maxine sets aside her book to hunt for clues. <br /><br />Maybe instead of “Clue #1”, you could say Her first clue: … or, She discovers a clue:… only because we never see further clues in the pitch.<br /><br />You could show the second line in the second paragraph and give the pitch even more voice (which is already great, by the way): When she slips them on, kids morph into game avatars, armed with ray gun, sword or fireballs. And Maxine? She’s Nancy Drew, ready to take on the case (although I realize you’re limited for words here).<br /><br />My only other concern is the pitch is from Maxine’s pov, but the first chapter is Jared’s, but it's difficult to write a pitch that makes it clear an MS is in two povs.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16519250456239966742noreply@blogger.com