Monday, August 25, 2014

Entry #18: MASH UP

MASH UP
MG science fiction
71,000 words


MASH-UP

Chapter 1: One Odd Day (Jared)

I stepped through the steel, gray front doors of Thompson Middle School, then stopped dead.  Aaron followed my gaze to the center of the wide-open foyer and snorted.

“Someone needs to tell that guy he’s not cool and never will be,” Aaron said.

“Not me.  My science grade is at half a heart and I have no health potions.” I cocked my head to the side.  “Still, this is odd, even for Sykes.”

“Yo!” someone behind us called.  We were blocking a bus load of kids on their way in.

“What’s your hurry?” I called over my shoulder.  Anxious to get lectured at, to get assigned your next research paper?  We were all sentenced to two years of torture in this brick and cement building.  Fifth and sixth grades. Then we got turned over to the junior high for torture of a different flavor.  There was no need to rush.

I started forward, my eyes still on Sykes, my tall, balding, evil science teacher.  He stood in the middle of the foyer wearing rock star sunglasses even though the fluorescent lights weren’t bright.  The glasses were dark and mirrored, the kind that wrap around on the sides so no sunlight could get in.  Sykes held a second pair high over his head.  He yelled something I couldn’t make out over the start-of-school-day confusion.  But I could see a crowd of kids listening to him.

Voluntarily listening to him.

Huh?

There was definitely something odd going on.

Principal Colgan noticed it too.  The front office was on the right side of the foyer.  She looked out through the window in the door at Sykes, her lips pressed into a line, her eyes narrowed.  The smile with which she usually greeted a new school day was gone.

“Try these, Jared.” My friend, Brad, walked up to me wearing sunglasses identical to Sykes’s.  He drew a small black case out of a bag slung over his shoulder.  With a flourish, he scanned a bar code into his smart phone, selected my name, Jared Cooke, from a list of students, then handed me the case.  He repeated the process for Aaron.

“What’s this?” I opened the case.  The sunglasses looked just like the ones Sykes was wearing.  Why would I wear the same sunglasses as my evil science teacher?

“Free trial of Game On! glasses,” Brad replied.  “Mr. Sykes says they’re supposed to be great.  The next big thing.  The only catch is you gotta fill out a feedback form on how you liked them at the end of the day.”  With a nod, he moved on, taking out two more cases for the girls behind us.

I stared at the sunglasses in my hand.  They did look cool.  The fact that Sykes had arranged this trial wasn’t gonna  make me like him, but I’d try the sunglasses anyway.  Why not?  I slid them on.

“So,” I turned to Aaron, “do I look good?”  I struck a pose, arms crossed over my chest, head cocked to one side, big attitude.

“Sure, dude.  Cooler than Sykes anyway.”  He snickered and slid on his own pair.

For Aaron, the shades worked.  They completed his rebel look—shoulder-length black hair and lopsided grin.  I hoped they looked as good with my short brown hair and freckles.  Probably not. 
Aaron had the looks on our game team.  But I was the brains of this duo.  He’d never get through the major battles without me.

I imagined I looked as cool as Aaron, and we did a Men in Black strut down the hall ‘til we reached our first stop, Aaron’s homeroom.

“Later,” Aaron said with a mock salute.

“Later,” I echoed, tipping my imaginary hat.

Aaron was my gaming bud.  I wished we were home, settled in for a marathon session of The Lord of the Rings. But it was Tuesday.  There were four full days ‘til we could get a serious game going.  Maybe we could catch an hour if we had a light homework night.  But there weren’t many light homework nights for sixth graders at Thompson Upper Elementary.

I continued down the hall to my own homeroom.  But with every step, my strut wore off a bit.

Four days.

Lots of guys called themselves gamers, but how serious were they?  Me?  I was dead serious.  When we started playing TLOR, I read the books.  Yeah, that was books, plural.  There are three in fact:  Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, The Return of the King.  That’s a lot of pages.

Why didn’t I watch the movies?  I’ll admit, that was my first plan, but Mom nixed it.

“We’ll buy the DVD’s as a reward after you read the books,” she said.

Most guys would have given up right there.  They would have played the game clueless, never knowing what was coming.  But I did my research.  After reading the books and watching the movies, I was pretty much a TLORexpert.  Everyone at school who played the game came to me when they got stuck.

Four days.

I trudged into the room and toward my seat in the back row.

“For heaven’s sake, Jared,” Mrs. Wainright called in a shrill voice.  “Will you please take off those ridiculous sunglasses?  I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to run a sunglass trial at school!  You can use them outside at recess.”

But, of course, she did know who thought it was a good idea.  Everyone who’d come in the front entrance had seen Sykes plugging these sunglasses.  I smirked as I pulled them off.  Sykes was gonna get an earful when he stepped into the teachers’ lounge.

I flipped open the case to put the sunglasses away, and a piece of paper floated to the floor.  I picked it up.

We Need Your Feedback!
Thanks for trying Game On! glasses, a revolutionary product designed to bring out the best in your inner warrior! Please provide us with feedback by rating these sunglasses on the dimensions below.
Strongly Disagree
Neutral
Strongly Agree
Game On! glasses are cool.
1
2
3
4
5
Game On! glasses make me look good.
1
2
3
4
5
Game On! glasses make me feel powerful.
1
2
3
4
5
Game On! glasses make the day more fun.
1
2
3
4
5
I would recommend Game On! glasses to a friend.
1
2
3
4
5

Strange feedback form.  I didn’t generally expect sunglasses to make me feel powerful.  Or to make the day more fun.  I just expected them to keep the sun out of my eyes.  I guess they should look cool too.

I shook my head and tossed the case into my backpack.  How could sunglasses make the day more fun?

9 comments:

  1. The voice here is fantastic, and I love the feedback form as a means of showing rather than telling that there's something more than a little unusual about these sunglasses. Could possibly do with a specific video game reference (even if it's to one that's entirely made up) to ground all the allusions to video games to something concrete in the world you've created, but it's otherwise great! I would love to see more.

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  2. I love the voice and how you clearly show his character's interests by the way he communicates.
    I am intrigued by the story from these pages. Why would a science teacher, an uncool one at that, give out sunglasses? Why would there be a feedback form specifically asking for things that have nothing to do with blocking out the sun? This sounds like a great and fun story!

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  3. Being a video game nerd myself, the premise of Game On glasses is certainly one that's going to be interesting to see play out. I like in the idea that these glasses are going to enhance/transform the day in a way that none of us are expecting, but at the same time I found myself reading for that inciting incident and the piece ending right before it actually happens. You've got hints of things being off that capture attention early on. For example, when your MC mentions that the kids are listening to Sykes voluntarily vs. the norm I wondered if this had something to do with the glasses, so maybe this is a point to tap into a bit more deeply. But ultimately, I think potentially starting a bit later in the piece might help sharpen the opening so that the stakes are established more powerfully from the outset.

    Two things stuck out to me about your MC's voicing. He's very tongue and cheek which I liked a lot, however, on the whole, his voicing reads as slightly older than sixth grade. Could I believe he was a high school serious gamer who's read all of the LOTR series? Absolutely. A middle schooler is a little harder to picture having a solid/fully comprehensive grasp of Tolkien. Either that, or he's particularly brilliant, and if that's the case other moments of his voicing may need to point to that.

    I'm curious about a lot of things towards the end, if or if not the school genuinely approved of Syke's glasses trial, what they're going to do/how their going to shift the story, etc. so these moments are great in pulling your reader further in. Best of luck moving forward with this, as a gamer I'd definitely what to know more about Game On glasses!

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  4. What a great concept and voice! There are plenty of great hints of what's to come, without giving too much away. I actually buy into the LOTR stuff, just from my own personal experience with my boys. My oldest is in fifth grade now, and he read The Hobbit last year. I think a super strong middle school reader could definitely pick up the series. Best of luck to you!

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  5. I'm liking the voice so far and the little clues concerning what's about to go down. A couple friends of mine are really big gamers, and I can see myself giving a story like this to their daughter.

    I was a little confused at first what they were looking at in the beginning, though. I liked the line about telling "him" he's not cool, but then it took a little while to actually get to *who* they wanted to say this to. By the time Sykes was introduced, I had to backtrack to remind myself what they were talking about.

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  6. I definitely want to know what those sunglasses REALLY do. And where can I get some?

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  7. Woah, a chart! That's fancy :) The premise, or what I know of it so far, sounds really cool. Being a massive LotR nerd myself, and a video game nerd on top of that, I'm interested to see where this goes. This felt more like YA than MG to me, although I respectfully disagree with Jenny's comment that a middle school student can't grasp Tolkien (I read the books for the first time when I was 12 and fell in love).

    Good luck!

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  8. You nailed a sixth grade boy's voice in this! And I'm impressed with how slick your chart came through. The glasses sound intriguing, and I'd definitely read on to find out what they did, and how they changed things for Jared at school. What a fun premise!

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  9. Great concept! Perfect for today's MG readers. Just about everyone plays video games these days. I like the voice; it's a little cocky, but fun. Sounds like a kid who will jump right in there at the mention of an adventure. Really curious about what those glasses really do.
    Good luck!

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