tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post8563019223604055322..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #24: FOG AND FIREFLIESMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-21014971759833469122014-09-15T22:34:39.538-04:002014-09-15T22:34:39.538-04:00I'm also getting a Peter Pan vibe from this, w...I'm also getting a Peter Pan vibe from this, which is awesome, and the idea of the fog is super cool. I think your pitch could use a little more defining, especially in the beginning sentence(s) and in taking out the unnecessary details. I tweaked it a little below, but they're just my suggestions:<br /><br />"No one knows why children like Ogma are immune to the fog-phantoms' touch. Because they're immune, they must guard the village against the fog which carries a changing landscape and crashes against its walls like a stormy sea.<br /><br />Ogma has seen fear in the face of the boy who leads them. He’ll be too old soon. But when he offers her leadership, she refuses— afraid to grow up.<br /><br />Then the village is attacked. Ogma’s friends are kidnapped and she finds herself lost in the fog, alone.<br /><br />The fog carries strange flotsam: beasts, Caravanners, and the temples of ruined gods now slumbering. With the aid of new companions, as friendly as they are inhuman, Ogma discovers that the children are captives of a trusted friend. To save them, she must learn the difference between growing older and growing up."<br /><br />I think this makes it read a little faster. :) The pages are good, and I definitely want to know more. I like Wheeler and his relationship with the other, younger children.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-84537107177518438922014-09-10T11:10:37.547-04:002014-09-10T11:10:37.547-04:00I’ll just focus on your pitch, since the last roun...I’ll just focus on your pitch, since the last round focused on the first five.<br /><br />Since this is Omga’s story, it would be great if you could incorporate her into the first paragraph, like: Omga doesn’t know why children are immune…<br /><br />In the second paragraph, consider making it clear who “them” are. At first, I thought you referred to the fog-phantoms commented on in the first paragraph. Are the children parent-less? Maybe make that clear.<br /><br />Why is the boy afraid he’ll be too old soon? For what? I’m not sure what this means, or why taking leadership means Ogma will grow up. <br /><br />In you stakes, I don’t understand how growing older and growing up will save the children. You don’t need to give your ending away, but perhaps there’s a way to make this more clear?<br /><br />That said, I live the Peter Pan vibe in this.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16519250456239966742noreply@blogger.com