tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post7445132164644214790..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #38: LISTEN TO MEMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-34078454919269120832015-02-25T11:59:41.963-05:002015-02-25T11:59:41.963-05:00Hi Melissa! Great to see you here as well!
It was...Hi Melissa! Great to see you here as well! <br />It was a pleasure getting to see more of the pitch this time, and I have a much better picture of the story. I think your first paragraph does a great job of setting up the dad and the stakes. I do agree with some of the other commenters that the last paragraph could be upped a little more - maybe instead of "heartache and humiliation," you can try to say something more specific (like him running them over, but a different example). <br />I still love the first 250 as I did the last time!gloriachaohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08713445717666830631noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-87462341331800195832015-02-25T09:43:29.411-05:002015-02-25T09:43:29.411-05:00I think your pitch is greatly improved. Nice job!I think your pitch is greatly improved. Nice job!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08697166619478748131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-31238186936640491482015-02-22T11:03:50.527-05:002015-02-22T11:03:50.527-05:00Pitch:
I love all the changes you've made. Def...Pitch:<br />I love all the changes you've made. Definitely an improvement :) I'd agree that if the stakes were a little clearer, teens would be more apt to pick this up. But we only have 150 words! Ugh haha<br /><br />First page:<br />I also echo Michael's comment about the name, but the last two paragraphs really leave me wanting more. Good luck!<br /><br />Domenic (#28)<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07080314722070284890noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-9189556053039119072015-02-21T23:44:31.887-05:002015-02-21T23:44:31.887-05:00I love your first page but I think the stakes in y...I love your first page but I think the stakes in your pitch could be upped. What happens if she doesn't trust her dad? The internal conflict is there but what about the external? You have a good premise here and the voice is definitely there on the first page! Good job! cgilfillianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15445061484603647612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-57646977892740506022015-02-21T16:30:13.522-05:002015-02-21T16:30:13.522-05:00The premise sounds wonderful, if laced with painfu...The premise sounds wonderful, if laced with painful moments. I'd be rooting for Serena the whole time. I agree with Michael's comment about the first name called not being hers. Maybe just a little bit at the end of the first paragraph: the teacher could point to the really cute guy in the third row or something. Just to set the scene. Your writing is clear and crisp and age-appropriate. I want to read more!<br /><br />Good luck.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-62745104630236166232015-02-20T23:01:42.005-05:002015-02-20T23:01:42.005-05:00This pitch--as opposed to the one I reviewed on yo...This pitch--as opposed to the one I reviewed on your blog--is much clearer. Of course, this is a 150-word version so it's hard to compare the two, but still... I now have a solid sense of your story and can see how the first 250 words give a good preview of that story. Very nice read! Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10198800193284146537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-24108535342534747312015-02-20T22:30:43.335-05:002015-02-20T22:30:43.335-05:00I like it! Teens struggle with situations like thi...I like it! Teens struggle with situations like this all the time. Relatable is the word that comes to mind. Again Mike is spot on. I feel like I am chasing him down the list.<br />As a middle grade guy I may not pick it up but if the story line is powerful enough to relay that connection to kids in a similar situation, I think you have something. <br />The only minor detail that I am seeing in this one:<br />The stakes seem a little low. Not a bad thing. Fear of having your hopes of a better relationship with your father is pretty high stakes, but when I read the pitch; PULL MY HEART STRINGS! That's what is going to go on the back blurb. It will get me to do more than pick it up and turn it over, but sit down read the first chapter and say... yep that is what I'm buying today. I want to read this off the book shelve screaming, "tell Kate how you feel!" If the friendship is that deep then hermit mode will be only for inside her house. <br />I haven't read it all so me fighting for the characters to live their life outside of Dad's mistakes is a great thing. Give that last paragraph in the Pitch that oomph to do more than read the pitch. Keep rocking what you're doing! <br />Fellow contestant and writing friend.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-60889993923498917782015-02-20T20:40:14.826-05:002015-02-20T20:40:14.826-05:00I love the changes you've made to the pitch! I...I love the changes you've made to the pitch! It focuses on the real conflict much better now :) I agree with Michael's comments about the 250 (something I'd noticed without realizing it), but I have to say much improved! :D <br /><br />Good luck! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11902576864464851574noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-21578280745326025722015-02-20T18:32:20.081-05:002015-02-20T18:32:20.081-05:00This sounds like a novel with plenty of heart, and...This sounds like a novel with plenty of heart, and I think you've hit the nail on the head with how mortifying this situation would be to a preteen--as well as capturing the feelings of relief and guilt when the dad is sent away.<br /><br />First 250: There's an expectation that the first character named will be the MC, so I was a little thrown off that Sam wasn't the narrator but instead someone whom Serena would be weak-kneed about. How about adding after the first paragraph "I wait for my name. Serena. Serena O' Hara."? Or, if that's too obvious, have Mr. Henderson say Sam's name, and then have Serena react. "I glance at Sam. He's a good student, but..."<br /><br />Otherwise, this is well-written, gets immediately into a scene, and gives us a good idea upfront about what Serena's worries are. Good luck!<br />Michael (#15)Michael G-Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947421844294471304noreply@blogger.com