tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post73858229979024770..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #4: PALOMA AND THE BOW WOW BAR MITZVAHMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-92146328393581954832014-03-05T17:45:23.852-05:002014-03-05T17:45:23.852-05:00Thanks for the comments on the pitch. Glad Paloma&...Thanks for the comments on the pitch. Glad Paloma's voice came through and rang true.Suzannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06515738513698526073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-38388294718307635162014-03-05T17:43:13.092-05:002014-03-05T17:43:13.092-05:00Thanks for your comments. I appreciate it.Thanks for your comments. I appreciate it.Suzannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06515738513698526073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-12071383732117210462014-03-03T21:02:04.261-05:002014-03-03T21:02:04.261-05:00I thought the pitch voice was very confident, and ...I thought the pitch voice was very confident, and that's appealing. I was a little confused by the possible contradiction between "fur-phobic" (which I took to mean, scared of pets/animals) and Paloma's cat-sitting and Doggie Bar Mitzvah jobs. Why is she doing anything with pets if she's fur-phobic? Or does "fur-phobic" mean she loves animals and would never dream of wearing furs? When she "literally turns herself upside down," does that imply coins fell out of her pockets and gave her the idea of party planning? I wasn't sure what the connection was. I pondered these questions instead of feeling the flow of words at times.<br /><br />I was also curious why Paloma's disastrous pooch party might cost her her best friend. Is it because the BFF warned her against doing it, and Paloma didn't listen? Or is there a separate correlation between bad doggie party / loss of friend? (Lack of funds to attend the friend's party?) A little more clarity on that issue might help round out the end of the pitch nicely.<br /><br />In the pages, I though the hiccups / Guinness Book of World Records stuff was great, though I felt a little tripped up by the amount of hyphens in the second paragraph. Overall I felt that Paloma was a super fun, breathless narrator, and readers immediately understand her dynamic with her mom. To me, Paloma seemed instantly likeable and vivid. Nice work!!Judge Tenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08947960989334705878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-58666095353814375592014-03-03T19:48:45.638-05:002014-03-03T19:48:45.638-05:00This character is adorable! I like her already. Pi...This character is adorable! I like her already. Pitch was fantastic. Fur-phobic is a super way to describe her in minimal words. We learn the story problem/goal right away, which is great. The only things that caught me off guard were:<br /><br />1) "Turns herself upside down." At first I thought this had something to do with hanging from the bars at school or something. Not sure what a better word choice would be...it's just something to think about.<br /><br />2) (they come for the herring). This is cute, but the parentheses took me out of the pitch for a moment. Not sure if those words can be added in to the regular text or not. Party-crashing-red-herring-eating cats ?? Not sure if that's any better :/<br /><br />Otherwise, adorable pitch. Adorable voice. I'd read on.<br />Judge Tenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08947960989334705878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-253426297624577752014-03-03T09:57:57.514-05:002014-03-03T09:57:57.514-05:00I love the narrative voice here. Paloma sounds lik...I love the narrative voice here. Paloma sounds like a wonderful girl. She sort of reminds me of a character from a Beverly Cleary book. I was a little confused by the first half of the pitch, but the first page more than made up for it. Good luck!Zhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03396346802698292695noreply@blogger.com