tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post7244773268889722228..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #16: BECOMING HOOKMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-11545274619804152532014-02-21T17:30:22.261-05:002014-02-21T17:30:22.261-05:00Really fun concept - love the Peter Pan angle! I h...Really fun concept - love the Peter Pan angle! I have to agree with Rena's comments above, clarifying your middle sentences will go a long way to nailing down your pitch. <br /><br />Best of luck!Deana J Holmeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02399341150899559662noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-16830884982007356192014-02-21T14:15:12.669-05:002014-02-21T14:15:12.669-05:00I so love the concept. Perhaps pair down your sent...I so love the concept. Perhaps pair down your sentences so they contain only the information we need to know. For example we don't need to know both James name and her nickname just pick one. Perhaps cut "putting living as boy behind her." Perhaps tweak this sentence a bit "Instead of searching for treasure she searches for a cure. "It's a cure" doesn't make sense. Good luck with this. I would really love to see this story at the bookstore. <br /> rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-66341157127595472732014-02-21T12:01:19.339-05:002014-02-21T12:01:19.339-05:00It is with Tiger Lily! Maybe I'll add LGTB to ...It is with Tiger Lily! Maybe I'll add LGTB to the "Genre" label.Sara-Marissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16155108851058013752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-32393613968493394522014-02-21T12:00:40.838-05:002014-02-21T12:00:40.838-05:00It is with Tiger Lily! Maybe I'll add LGTB to ...It is with Tiger Lily! Maybe I'll add LGTB to the "Genre" label.Sara-Marissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16155108851058013752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-74996705647005185002014-02-20T18:54:45.711-05:002014-02-20T18:54:45.711-05:00Yay! Peter Pan theme! Love it!
Definitely clarify...Yay! Peter Pan theme! Love it!<br /><br />Definitely clarifying the falling in love issue. That'll go a long way. And the first line needs paring down. Too much going on in one sentence and the beginning of the sentence already grabs my attention. I'd cut it short after "skin." :) Good luck!Kimberly Vanderhorsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01653757517652257445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-12951186256522167892014-02-20T09:10:03.032-05:002014-02-20T09:10:03.032-05:00Very interesting! I'd totally read this. The r...Very interesting! I'd totally read this. The romance is a bit confusing though. Not sure if Jas falls in love with Tiger Lilly or Peter. Or Tiger Lilly and Peter are in love? Maybe make that a bit more clear, either way this sounds really cool!Elliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17213406441675013527noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-33372684319267941492014-02-20T06:48:36.734-05:002014-02-20T06:48:36.734-05:00What I like: Peter Pan is in the Public Domain! *t...What I like: Peter Pan is in the Public Domain! *the more you know* I love Peter Pan so right there you have we Hooked (I kid, I kid). Also lol @ ‘psychotic Peter’<br /><br />What I would like: Who is she falling in love with? The way it comes in makes it seem like Tiger Lily, (which, I WISH!) <br /><br />Great work!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-77822880335539075632014-02-19T22:47:48.164-05:002014-02-19T22:47:48.164-05:00I love the concept! I love the concept! Joy Slaughterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04488112728458014023noreply@blogger.com