tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post6073560530340810528..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #5: MASH-UPMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-30078854517565519232014-10-03T05:27:17.718-04:002014-10-03T05:27:17.718-04:00I love seeing how this has evolved since WriteOnCo...I love seeing how this has evolved since WriteOnCon! Your pitch has tremendous voice, which is so hard to do. <br /><br />And you do a good job of setting the scene here. We meet Jared, and through his language learn very naturally that he's really into gaming. <br /><br />There's a word missing here: "Somebody(’s) needs [to] tell Sykes he..."<br /><br />You do a great job of showing us some good details about Jared. He doesn't really like school, he feels badly about being the smallest kid, and he looks up to his friend Aaron for being cool and good looking. <br /><br />There are just a couple of places where the language seems just a bit too old for Jared. "torture of a different flavor" (nice line, but not quite right for a 10/11 yo?), "cheery smile with which she usually greeted..." and "tipping my imaginary hat." <br /><br />I love the last line--so full of foreshadowing. It definitely makes me want to read on and find out just what sort of chaos those sunglasses are going to cause!Julie Artzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15669406251867376805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-53290168372787486302014-09-24T17:58:58.649-04:002014-09-24T17:58:58.649-04:00Your pitch really draws me into the story, but the...Your pitch really draws me into the story, but the beginning of the second paragraph feels a little choppy. Maybe try shifting the sentence structure, like: At least for everyone except for Jared’s little sister, Maxine. She can’t handle the ninjas and space marines battling in the halls, but she doesn’t want to hide. She’s decided the game is trouble, and so she searches for a way to shut it down. Worse yet, she wants Jared’s help to do it! His first instinct is to lock her in a closet so he can play. But when the school descends into chaos and people start to vanish, Jared has a decision to make: get his game on, or help his annoying little sister take down the Best. Game. Ever.<br /><br />I also don’t think you need the disclaimer about the story being told through two POVs. Perhaps it’s just me (my story has 10 different perspectives) but I think your pitch presents both characters as mains without you having to say so at the end. Plus, I love the “Best. Game. Ever.” bit as a finale to the pitch!<br /><br />I also really enjoy the first five pages. I would have loved to read this book as a kid, and I’m sure I’d still love to now. You capture the tone and attitude of middle school really well--it feels very authentic and flows really nicely.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07080314722070284890noreply@blogger.com