tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post551182629614494647..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #24: SUMMER THUNDERMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-78078523573862979402015-02-24T23:01:12.387-05:002015-02-24T23:01:12.387-05:00Pitch: Excellent! I would definitely read somethin...Pitch: Excellent! I would definitely read something like this. The only suggestion might be to clarify the relationship between Vito and Ava a little better. Is she a maid kind of figure or a priestess? And if he doesn't know what's going on, why would he risk going to the human city with her?<br /><br />250: Love it. Main suggestion would be to give a more obvious clue to her gender. Good luck! (#38)Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00601415592841037784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-8244353987722879802015-02-24T08:18:01.489-05:002015-02-24T08:18:01.489-05:00Pitch:
Love the first sentence, though I'd com...Pitch:<br />Love the first sentence, though I'd combine sentences 2 and 3. Also, after reading I have a good idea of the world and the character, but I'm not really sure what Ava has to do. Some more actions may help draw the reader in!<br /><br />First Page:<br />I want to read the rest of this now! Good luck!<br /><br />Domenic (#28)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07080314722070284890noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-75155510495741637092015-02-20T18:27:30.574-05:002015-02-20T18:27:30.574-05:00Love this! Would love to connect with you so give ...Love this! Would love to connect with you so give me a follow on twitter and I'll follow you back :) https://twitter.com/KristaWaymentKristahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10348921731053503531noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-31702262949146412592015-02-20T17:50:07.498-05:002015-02-20T17:50:07.498-05:00I like the imagery in this one. I'm with most ...I like the imagery in this one. I'm with most everyone on their comments; small fixes here and there. My only confusion is a complex one that I am sure the book irons out, but here it is: <br />She is a hybrid, and i assume her dad is human?(eaten by a Dragon) Which would mean her mom was dragon? (home-life was probably pretty interesting) but my confusion is if she is part dragon, why is she serving anyone outside of her dragon family? If the boss of a job has an employer who does something wrong they don't usually run off together unless there is either some love interest, or if the story read as the human mother was eaten. Then there would be the twist in the plot similar to that Star Wars scene where Vader tells Luke his paternal history... VITO: Ava I'm your father... search inside: you know it to be true..." (Sorry, there are some terribly structure sentences here, but I have been writing on these most of the day to make sure everyone gets some feedback)<br />Other than that... pretty sweet stuff! <br />Fellow competitor and writing friend. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-77689846801274500352015-02-20T16:09:20.462-05:002015-02-20T16:09:20.462-05:00Pitch: This sets out the premise and what’s at sta...Pitch: This sets out the premise and what’s at stake very clearly. Lots of great originality: a city in the sky for dragons, dragon-human hybrids (can’t wait to find out which parts are dragon!), humans in the desert below. Just a couple of comments: The phrase “beneath the city” made me think it was underground. Maybe “on the ground below”? And I love the image of stained-glass wings but wasn’t sure if they were literally made of glass.<br /><br />First page: Great place to start and great details. We know so many things right away: where she is, what emotions she’s feeling, what just happened. Economical but exciting. <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-20594628073981802462015-02-20T12:46:33.685-05:002015-02-20T12:46:33.685-05:00Your 250 has a great balance of description, actio...Your 250 has a great balance of description, action, and backstory--all things necessary and important. My favorite line: "I should have left hours ago, but I couldn’t leave my room, couldn’t stop scrubbing. Hot iron blooms in my nostrils as if the sticky red liquid is still smeared across my face, my clothes, my palms." Oh I loved the tactile imagery there! Yesssssss~! Plus the allusion back to what she did.<br /><br />The only thing I might point out in this 250 is it seems to be trying a little too hard to keep us from knowing what's happening. I love the mystery of "what did she do?" even though I have a hint, but nearer the end, I want it said so I can be afraid and confused about what's happening in the moment. My creative writing teachers call this "hiding the ball" when authors hide their mystery longer than necessary. An easy fix for that would be "My fingers itch for the sabre I left behind in the dragon's throat" or something. Then we have new questions, it's not a tacky flashback, etc. :)<br /><br />That aside, I love the ramped up energy. You chose a brilliant place to begin, and this one scene already tells us so much about our main character. I love when scenes characterize and set up action! Thank you~! And she has stained-glass wings?<br /><br />Dang it, I want stained glass wings. <br /><br />Brilliant as always Kazul! Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11902576864464851574noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-89651824708373389362015-02-20T10:28:46.622-05:002015-02-20T10:28:46.622-05:00I love your opening line. How could I help but kee...I love your opening line. How could I help but keep reading? You've done a great job of making clear this is fantasy, without overwhelming with too many details. The stakes you've set for Ava are high, and the story sounds thrilling. Nice work. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08697166619478748131noreply@blogger.com