tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post3000324134157792020..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #47: CRAZY LIKE HEAVENMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-47460603070171980392014-02-23T12:02:53.343-05:002014-02-23T12:02:53.343-05:00Thanks for your comments. This is the first time I...Thanks for your comments. This is the first time I've tried to condense the synopsis down into a short pitch, so your words will come in handy!Regina Sokashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09437283220127931420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-46892700751230005492014-02-20T20:10:04.503-05:002014-02-20T20:10:04.503-05:00This is interesting -- the setting and relationshi...This is interesting -- the setting and relationship--but I want to know more about Pan and Aggie--the descriptions seem vague to me. What are they running from? What does starry-eyed mean? What is Pan really after--we something more concrete. And yes, it should read less like a synopsis. The opening line is quirky! I like it.HEATHER LYNNE DAVIShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04324491728569039272noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-85604953046491626862014-02-20T16:22:33.905-05:002014-02-20T16:22:33.905-05:00The pitch could definitely use more voice woven in...The pitch could definitely use more voice woven into it, but the first line has a super strong voice to it and I found the contrast interesting. I'm curious to know if the unique vibe of the first line carries forward into the rest of the story. I agree that the pitch sounds a bit dry, just a listing of events, and could use some emotional grounding, but I love the setting and the concept and am curious to know how it plays out. :) Good luck!Kimberly Vanderhorsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01653757517652257445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-17288631188616667012014-02-20T15:26:17.824-05:002014-02-20T15:26:17.824-05:00What I like: I was excited by LA in the 60s and th...What I like: I was excited by LA in the 60s and the commune.<br /><br />What I would like: I also felt it was a bit like listed events. Also, not sure why CHARLIE is in caps and you’re missing a ‘.’ after beyond.<br /><br />Great job!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-5499911028523394592014-02-20T14:33:30.923-05:002014-02-20T14:33:30.923-05:00I love the thought of a YA novel centered on 60s r...I love the thought of a YA novel centered on 60s rock, but your pitch currently reads more like a synopsis. I'd like to see more action and a greater sense of the stakes.Memoryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03922151273874989122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-41115615818578725912014-02-20T08:48:43.945-05:002014-02-20T08:48:43.945-05:00I like the setting having grown up in the sixties,...I like the setting having grown up in the sixties, but I think your pitch can be tightened up. I'd leave out phrases like 'who draw's attention......breath." I didn't get the line about "leaving her to the wolves in pimps clothing. Overall, I think you need to make this less about telling the story and more about the stakes for the girls. I like the tension Charlie brings to the story. Wilting under Charlie's influence is an excellent line. <br /><br />Your first sentence is compelling and speaks of what is to come. I like the premise of the story. I think your pitch can be better just by taking out some of the superfluous phrases. Good luck. TwinB10https://www.blogger.com/profile/05735459053861635428noreply@blogger.com