tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post2986779391039330927..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #9: THE BLOOD ROSE REBELLIONMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-61348176427235576722014-09-14T19:47:15.008-04:002014-09-14T19:47:15.008-04:00I love the list of things Anna *didn't* do. He...I love the list of things Anna *didn't* do. Her voice comes across really clearly, and I love her spunk. The only thing I'm not sure about is the cutscene before her grandmother comes in. I think the two scenes could transition naturally without the break. Good luck!Write Brainhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13438017639752499768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-27872594593621783152014-09-14T14:10:44.461-04:002014-09-14T14:10:44.461-04:00Your pitch is good and sets up an interesting worl...Your pitch is good and sets up an interesting world, but I was confused by a couple of things. Like Martha, I didn't understand why marrying someone would solve her problems. Also, I'm confused by the MC's magic, or lack of magic. Is her ability to "break" spells? What exactly does that mean? Does she have an anti-magic? I would make that clearer in the pitch. Also, I want to know how that relates to the creatures trying to free themselves. Will her anti-magic free them somehow? Wouldn't that be a bad thing? Perhaps a little more specificity would help.<br /><br />Your pages are great, but I don't know why she says she doesn't to marry when in the pitch you say she does. The scene with Freddy could probably be expanded as well; I wanted to know more about their history, what affections he has for her, etc.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-42849171776009350232014-09-10T09:13:31.237-04:002014-09-10T09:13:31.237-04:00I already love your first 5. Aren’t you a PitchWar...I already love your first 5. Aren’t you a PitchWars first pick? If so, congratulations.<br /><br />I’ll focus on your pitch here.<br /><br />I’m a little confused about why she thinks she can overcome her lack of magic by marrying someone. And in the last paragraph, I get the idea she actually has some ability (I assume magic) which contradicts that.<br /><br />I love this line: “. Fissures in the Binding that holds her world’s magic together are expanding, and the ancient creatures bound by that spell clamor for release.” It really builds tension in your pitch. That said, it looks like freeing them is a good thing?<br /><br />How can she cling to a life she’s always wanted if she thinks Hungary means her life is over? I think you have tons of beautiful phrasing in your pitch, but not enough specifics so the reader understands fully what’s going on in Anna’s world. <br /><br />Maybe trim the first paragraph to something simple like: After 16yo AA destroys her sister’s debutante spells, she's banished to Hungary. Then expand from there. This will give you more words to explain what I believe is the meat of your story: what goes on in Hungary. The suitor isn’t brought up again, so maybe he’s not needed in the pitch.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16519250456239966742noreply@blogger.com