tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post2961447886747662088..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #19: WELCOME H.O.E.M.Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-2871966022672360672014-02-22T16:35:33.375-05:002014-02-22T16:35:33.375-05:00I remember seeing this in another contest. I agree...I remember seeing this in another contest. I agree that it sounds more middle grade than YA. Remember Nathan Bradford's advice, character---conflict---choice. Pick one plot point and use that in your pitch. I think that starting with the ability to be a "traveler" is unique and should be in the first paragraph. Unless you're going to make it MG, I'd leave off the expulsions too. It doesn't add anything into the pitch. You need to explain what HOEM stands for (I think you did in the original pitch). I'm also not sure what having ADHD adds to the story. Start with Fifteen-year-old Mason is a traveler. Then explain what that means. Then what is the obstacle he's facing, then what happens if he doesn't overcome the obstacle (the stakes). Streamline it, tighten it and age Mason down because I can see this being more a middle grade. Hope this helps! Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-10650030122343426272014-02-21T21:04:14.451-05:002014-02-21T21:04:14.451-05:00This has really improved from the last time I saw ...This has really improved from the last time I saw this. <br /><br />I think the stakes really need to be amped up a bit. The last sentence is too long and convoluted. SM Johnstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03546994863993080465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-76950721126169586892014-02-21T14:54:25.003-05:002014-02-21T14:54:25.003-05:00I second Kimberly after reading your query I expec...I second Kimberly after reading your query I expected the first line to be in more of a teen voice. I have a hard time believing that being a complete failure is the worst thing that can happen to him when he keeps getting expelled from school. His expulsions don't gel with his no failure attitude. What's really at stake if he fails? Will his family be disappointed? Will he lose his friend Sadie? <br /><br />One final point, I want to know how he's different from other travellers. <br /><br />I do like the concept as I think it's unique. Good luck! rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-24115751062929602992014-02-20T18:48:02.920-05:002014-02-20T18:48:02.920-05:00I won't echo the great advice you've alrea...I won't echo the great advice you've already received. Just gotta say this is a fabulous story concept. The first line feels a bit middle grade to me though. Hands rubbing together plus evil laugh is kind of funny, but it immediately ages down the story. Just doesn't feel like YA to me. Maybe think about starting on a stronger, older teen note?Kimberly Vanderhorsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01653757517652257445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-7259185855176604132014-02-20T06:59:54.213-05:002014-02-20T06:59:54.213-05:00What I like: The idea archiving memories is really...What I like: The idea archiving memories is really interesting!<br /><br />What I would like: ‘When invited H.O.E.M’ <<missing ‘to’<br /><br />‘discovers that he is different even from other traveler’ <<awkward phrasing<br /><br />I got lost in the second passage. There was too much going on for me. <br /><br />Great work!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-22466397081398371042014-02-19T23:02:25.910-05:002014-02-19T23:02:25.910-05:00Love this premise.
Here are my thoughts on the pi...Love this premise.<br /><br />Here are my thoughts on the pitch:<br /><br />Think about really streamlining things and giving us the essential facts.<br /><br />I would suggest deleting your first sentence because it doesn't add anything to the story. Perhaps start, "Mason is a prodigy, one of only a handful..."<br /><br />If you are going to refer to him as a "traveler" then you have to reference that earlier, as the term threw me off. Can you give us a reference point for Sadie. Is she a fellow traveler? Who is she in relation to Mason?<br /><br />Also, you say his fear is being a complete failure - but how does that ramp up the stakes? What will his failure cost him? His friends, family, some destruction for the U.S.? <br /><br />Make your sinker clear and compelling and I know you'll get an agent to bite!<br /><br /><br />Keeping my *fingers crossed* for you!<br /><br />Amy Truebloodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17475839124204065781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-80737629632550969942014-02-19T16:41:51.846-05:002014-02-19T16:41:51.846-05:00Good luck with this! I have enjoyed seeing how th...Good luck with this! I have enjoyed seeing how this pitch has evolved! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com