tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post2348070559311053256..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #14: DARKENWEAR, INC.: FEATHERS VS. SCALESMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-37750281201744552622014-03-07T11:16:17.617-05:002014-03-07T11:16:17.617-05:00Thank you for the feedback! That's a great cha...Thank you for the feedback! That's a great character observation and suggestion. I'll play around with that. I hope you'll see the update in the next round!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06005931879084233011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-6955802437056256062014-03-07T11:14:31.831-05:002014-03-07T11:14:31.831-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06005931879084233011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-27307869175659331132014-03-07T09:53:34.480-05:002014-03-07T09:53:34.480-05:00Loved the pitch. Tells the story in a way that ma...Loved the pitch. Tells the story in a way that makes me ask questions and want to read to find out. <br /><br />In your opening, I would like to feel more of what your character is feeling. This is the first time she's had feeling in her arm. What's her immediate reaction? I think she'd be more focused on freaking out than how hideous she thinks the boy thinks she is. Turn some of that inward, so we empathize with what is going on a little more. It's big no? Make it bigger!AYAP Judge 1https://www.blogger.com/profile/16182849395867360908noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-69963811893418574172014-03-07T06:40:47.601-05:002014-03-07T06:40:47.601-05:00Thank you for the feedback. Your comments can neve...Thank you for the feedback. Your comments can never be too “nit picky.” It’s exactly what I need. Thank you for taking the time to read and help me improve my piece.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06005931879084233011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-770702721071203742014-03-07T06:34:14.231-05:002014-03-07T06:34:14.231-05:00To the mysterious Madame Z, thank you for reading ...To the mysterious Madame Z, thank you for reading my piece. What a wonderful first comment, I’ve read it about 20 million times — I’ve been checking the site 20 times an hour and it greets me every time. <br /> Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06005931879084233011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-56199275704622727162014-03-05T00:34:34.921-05:002014-03-05T00:34:34.921-05:00Very imaginative! I love monsters and mythos. In t...Very imaginative! I love monsters and mythos. In the first paragraph, is the magical world a surprise to her? Or is this a thing everyone knows? Perhaps "another unknown magical world"... I am assuming Persephone stumbles upon this and her current world is "normal"? And WHY are the magical creatures being used in the clothing? As an enhancement? Or just a secret way to trap them? I would change last sentence in first paragraph to "And it's up to P to set them free" or "up to P to save them" ... it sounds awkward as stated right now. Or perhaps to free the innocent creatures? The rest works for me, very fun!<br /><br />I like the opening too. Very descriptive and grounds us immediately. The mystery is already set when she mutters about the storm. I'd change sentence to: He looked down, FLASHING a smile, and tousled his mop of chestnut hair. Otherwise your sentence is set up with LOOKED, FLASHED, TOUSLED. But that's me being particularly nit picky. Other than that, I like the opening page!<br /><br />Hope my comments helped a little and good luck!Judge Sixhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08195159150518993003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-68456851305061643502014-03-03T15:43:41.013-05:002014-03-03T15:43:41.013-05:00What a fun idea! Your pitch had me giggling. I'...What a fun idea! Your pitch had me giggling. I'd definitely be interested in reading more.Zhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03396346802698292695noreply@blogger.com