tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post1682414012838140190..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #15: LEAVING PEACESYLVANIAMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-69215277626101806372014-03-07T09:51:17.109-05:002014-03-07T09:51:17.109-05:00I like the pitch. The tone and clarity drew me in....I like the pitch. The tone and clarity drew me in. Well done. <br /><br />The first page opening- the first line didn't really draw me in. I think you could engage the reader by starting at a more interesting point. What is the change. What is happening. Make it more exciting. Make the reader wonder, what the heck is going on here and why do I care?? And while I like your list, I think you might want to work it in later....suggestion for first line and place to start....I'm not looking forward to the peace meeting tomorrow...after that I loved the voice and the character started to come alive. I really would start there..... enjoyed this, great premise, good luck!!AYAP Judge 1https://www.blogger.com/profile/16182849395867360908noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-43529028337208459822014-03-04T16:42:33.607-05:002014-03-04T16:42:33.607-05:00I thought the pitch was wonderfully written. For m...I thought the pitch was wonderfully written. For me, I only wondered about the "wedge" between Lark and Jeremiah. Tension, arguing, what? And when Lark questions her "mental stability", I'm uncertain if this is meant to be dramatic or literal. (As in, she is struggling with emotional or psychological issues?) Clarifying would have helped me, especially the latter point.<br /><br />I loved the beginning pages. The voice is good, the prose is well written. But for someone who is portrayed physically as a hippie, her language can be quite restrained: "The last one gave me pause" and "as per usual". Is this truly Lark's voice? It sounds older to me--but I think it is fine if it is her voice. That she is more restrained in mind than her outer appearance? Something to think about. <br /><br />Finally, the mention of dreads made me wonder if Lark was black of biracial black?<br /><br />Overall fantastic job, fun premise, and strong opening. Good luck!Judge Sixhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08195159150518993003noreply@blogger.com