tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post1335347371159361626..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #78: ROSE SHADOWMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-16488918323411277802014-02-21T20:46:31.577-05:002014-02-21T20:46:31.577-05:00I found this pitch was too vague at times and has ...I found this pitch was too vague at times and has too many names in it for me. Tightening it up and give us the core of the story.SM Johnstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03546994863993080465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-56409084019822359492014-02-21T14:11:58.448-05:002014-02-21T14:11:58.448-05:00What I like: “simultaneously exasperated and entra...What I like: “simultaneously exasperated and entranced.” <>too much explanation.<br /><br /><br />Great job!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-55131414729121065502014-02-20T11:56:40.910-05:002014-02-20T11:56:40.910-05:00The pitch definitely needs tightening and I agree ...The pitch definitely needs tightening and I agree with the advice to work on showing instead of telling. That said, the first line is FABULOUS showing (despite the small typo - should be "hoarded" not "horded"). If I didn't read the pitch and only read the first line I'd be all, GIVE ME MORE. But the pitch gives me pause. Definitely mixed feelings on this one, but you've received some great advice on how to make that pitch shine. :) Good luck!Kimberly Vanderhorsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01653757517652257445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-10061370695134784082014-02-20T10:53:07.873-05:002014-02-20T10:53:07.873-05:00I don't like that you tell us your character i...I don't like that you tell us your character is kick-ass. We should be able to figure that out on our own and really, I don't see anything kick-ass about her here. <br /><br />Sounds like an interesting story but I worry it's not relatable enough. What about this character is so special that's shes s treasure horded? I feel like you're trying to tell us she's super special without having anything actually special (from what I can see) <br /><br />Try showing us who this character is, rather than telling us. Stacey Trombleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05093836904596108872noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-34222474257329278932014-02-20T01:02:54.189-05:002014-02-20T01:02:54.189-05:00Your first line is fabulous! I feel like you could...Your first line is fabulous! I feel like you could tighten the pitch quite a bit, though. As a starting point, I'd combine the first and second lines so you've got something like, "Raised in the woods by her secretive grandmother, Violet longs to know more about herself. A summons to court only provokes more questions." <br /><br />The rest of the pitch feels a bit muddled. It might help if you really focus in on what passes between Violet and the Countess, with just the barest hint of Raven's presence.Memoryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03922151273874989122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-3987852692169754602014-02-19T21:50:23.382-05:002014-02-19T21:50:23.382-05:00There are a few punctuation errors, and the senten...There are a few punctuation errors, and the sentences seem wordy and overly complex. That said, your first line is fantastic. Joy Slaughterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04488112728458014023noreply@blogger.com