tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post124428545397348762..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #18: MASH UPMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-87986037619863844962014-09-01T13:34:12.185-04:002014-09-01T13:34:12.185-04:00Great concept! Perfect for today's MG readers....Great concept! Perfect for today's MG readers. Just about everyone plays video games these days. I like the voice; it's a little cocky, but fun. Sounds like a kid who will jump right in there at the mention of an adventure. Really curious about what those glasses really do.<br />Good luck!Eva Folkshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12149235774485409393noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-91088616458683313812014-08-30T22:59:39.819-04:002014-08-30T22:59:39.819-04:00You nailed a sixth grade boy's voice in this! ...You nailed a sixth grade boy's voice in this! And I'm impressed with how slick your chart came through. The glasses sound intriguing, and I'd definitely read on to find out what they did, and how they changed things for Jared at school. What a fun premise!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16519250456239966742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-54447816579521685312014-08-29T23:12:47.896-04:002014-08-29T23:12:47.896-04:00Woah, a chart! That's fancy :) The premise, or...Woah, a chart! That's fancy :) The premise, or what I know of it so far, sounds really cool. Being a massive LotR nerd myself, and a video game nerd on top of that, I'm interested to see where this goes. This felt more like YA than MG to me, although I respectfully disagree with Jenny's comment that a middle school student can't grasp Tolkien (I read the books for the first time when I was 12 and fell in love).<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-27989827288214313292014-08-29T17:59:42.775-04:002014-08-29T17:59:42.775-04:00I definitely want to know what those sunglasses RE...I definitely want to know what those sunglasses REALLY do. And where can I get some? Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14820659522541825744noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-27475110099907493932014-08-29T16:20:46.235-04:002014-08-29T16:20:46.235-04:00I'm liking the voice so far and the little clu...I'm liking the voice so far and the little clues concerning what's about to go down. A couple friends of mine are really big gamers, and I can see myself giving a story like this to their daughter. <br /><br />I was a little confused at first what they were looking at in the beginning, though. I liked the line about telling "him" he's not cool, but then it took a little while to actually get to *who* they wanted to say this to. By the time Sykes was introduced, I had to backtrack to remind myself what they were talking about. Write Brainhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13438017639752499768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-1826245038487058762014-08-29T13:10:10.442-04:002014-08-29T13:10:10.442-04:00What a great concept and voice! There are plenty o...What a great concept and voice! There are plenty of great hints of what's to come, without giving too much away. I actually buy into the LOTR stuff, just from my own personal experience with my boys. My oldest is in fifth grade now, and he read The Hobbit last year. I think a super strong middle school reader could definitely pick up the series. Best of luck to you!Laurie Dennisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01089552813955890768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-81935450907584728772014-08-29T11:01:51.301-04:002014-08-29T11:01:51.301-04:00Being a video game nerd myself, the premise of Gam...Being a video game nerd myself, the premise of Game On glasses is certainly one that's going to be interesting to see play out. I like in the idea that these glasses are going to enhance/transform the day in a way that none of us are expecting, but at the same time I found myself reading for that inciting incident and the piece ending right before it actually happens. You've got hints of things being off that capture attention early on. For example, when your MC mentions that the kids are listening to Sykes voluntarily vs. the norm I wondered if this had something to do with the glasses, so maybe this is a point to tap into a bit more deeply. But ultimately, I think potentially starting a bit later in the piece might help sharpen the opening so that the stakes are established more powerfully from the outset. <br /><br />Two things stuck out to me about your MC's voicing. He's very tongue and cheek which I liked a lot, however, on the whole, his voicing reads as slightly older than sixth grade. Could I believe he was a high school serious gamer who's read all of the LOTR series? Absolutely. A middle schooler is a little harder to picture having a solid/fully comprehensive grasp of Tolkien. Either that, or he's particularly brilliant, and if that's the case other moments of his voicing may need to point to that.<br /><br />I'm curious about a lot of things towards the end, if or if not the school genuinely approved of Syke's glasses trial, what they're going to do/how their going to shift the story, etc. so these moments are great in pulling your reader further in. Best of luck moving forward with this, as a gamer I'd definitely what to know more about Game On glasses!<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15938164930818514930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-16942252115825688302014-08-29T10:52:00.152-04:002014-08-29T10:52:00.152-04:00I love the voice and how you clearly show his char...I love the voice and how you clearly show his character's interests by the way he communicates. <br />I am intrigued by the story from these pages. Why would a science teacher, an uncool one at that, give out sunglasses? Why would there be a feedback form specifically asking for things that have nothing to do with blocking out the sun? This sounds like a great and fun story!Halli Gomezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09667712458691917486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-34473719201783524382014-08-29T07:51:40.719-04:002014-08-29T07:51:40.719-04:00The voice here is fantastic, and I love the feedba...The voice here is fantastic, and I love the feedback form as a means of showing rather than telling that there's something more than a little unusual about these sunglasses. Could possibly do with a specific video game reference (even if it's to one that's entirely made up) to ground all the allusions to video games to something concrete in the world you've created, but it's otherwise great! I would love to see more.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17165476300074983728noreply@blogger.com