tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post8317677253035078279..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #74 - GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACHMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-45651269818504467772014-03-01T11:07:49.492-05:002014-03-01T11:07:49.492-05:00Thank you all sooo much. Polishing the first page...Thank you all sooo much. Polishing the first page and pitch ready for next round :)Carl Hackmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03095336278626569509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-39701116927191260982014-02-27T05:38:52.419-05:002014-02-27T05:38:52.419-05:00This sounds like a great upper middle grade fantas...This sounds like a great upper middle grade fantasy with a touch of humor. The pitch was pretty clear and upped the stakes as it progressed in a way that made me want to read this. Sounds like this story has lots of action and Gerald's voice comes through.. My only suggestion is to try to make it clear Gerald's height reduces because of his actions. AYAP JUDGEhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17957753496327994873noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-84768777777792000602014-02-26T23:31:05.513-05:002014-02-26T23:31:05.513-05:00You made some fantastic changes to your pitch! Gre...You made some fantastic changes to your pitch! Great voice, and it sounds like an interesting story. I love that height is the mark of power. <br /><br />I agree with the comments that others have left, especially about having too many adjectives. <br /><br />In the first line of your pitch, I think changing 'and' to 'so' might make it even more powerful. I also wonder if there's some way to weave in how tall Gerald currently is, at least compared to others. I'm trying to picture how far in height he is from the evil wizard he has to battle. <br /><br />I definitely think you can give this sentence more oomph: The resulting earthquake, hurricane and escape of a very dangerous wizard from prison really weren’t part of the plan. It sounds passive while this is huge to your manuscript. How would you describe this to a child who asked what your book is about? <br /><br />Good luck!<br /><br /><br />Mindy Alyse Weisshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08771641311473178834noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-73939591962242416302014-02-26T18:46:34.104-05:002014-02-26T18:46:34.104-05:00I deleted my first comment as it applies to all of...I deleted my first comment as it applies to all of you who have taken the time to read and add your thoughts.<br /><br />Thank you for your comments :) I am always open to constructive criticism. Anything that makes GERALD better imho is great. The aim is to obtain an agent and publish my books so listening to opinions is a must for any writer! Carl Hackmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03095336278626569509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-11303692724213924862014-02-26T18:45:08.365-05:002014-02-26T18:45:08.365-05:00Thank you for your kind comments, I really appreci...Thank you for your kind comments, I really appreciate the feedback. Hoping to reach next round :)Carl Hackmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03095336278626569509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-8522359598003287282014-02-26T16:46:37.674-05:002014-02-26T16:46:37.674-05:00Great voice! Just a few notes:
1. Double-check y...Great voice! Just a few notes:<br /><br />1. Double-check your punctuation before you query, i.e. replace the hyphens with proper em dashes.<br />2. Could you elaborate, even in vague terms, about the evil wizard's plans? It might help raise the stakes.<br />3. You might want to rein in the descriptors in your excerpt. It's a great visual, but the abundance of adjectives made me re-read.<br /><br />That said, I have no doubt this will be published someday. It sounds like a great MG read! :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10317642978167085055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-21552751612947884862014-02-25T04:57:39.469-05:002014-02-25T04:57:39.469-05:00There's a lot of potential here. But the stake...There's a lot of potential here. But the stakes need to be higher. Naming the evil wizard and giving details of his crimes would help. I found "The resulting earthquake..' sentence quite awkward. I think it's because you've given the three side-affects of the powerful spell equal weighting. Did the earthquake help the wizard escape. Otherwise I can't see how his action resulted in that. <br /><br />Best of luck!SM Johnstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03546994863993080465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-33981438903050619322014-02-24T06:25:34.924-05:002014-02-24T06:25:34.924-05:00This is great. I am curious about how he shrinks t...This is great. I am curious about how he shrinks that one inch in the first place. Does someone do that to him, or do they shrink or grow based on what they accomplish? I'm also picturing a bunch of really tall super-wizards running around. Lots of opportunities for humor there! I already feel a lot of empathy for Gerald. Good luck!!HEATHER LYNNE DAVIShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04324491728569039272noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-4355504164233394932014-02-23T19:01:59.665-05:002014-02-23T19:01:59.665-05:00I also enjoyed the humour in your pitch which will...I also enjoyed the humour in your pitch which will show potential agents what their in for. In the third paragraph to tighten perhaps cut "a red-faced" because in the same sentence you use shame so it's pretty clear that he's embarrassed. Good job! rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-92104684814113476412014-02-23T17:04:41.998-05:002014-02-23T17:04:41.998-05:00I love this pitch, and think it's perfect for ...I love this pitch, and think it's perfect for MG. I do agree with the above comment about the adjectives. I've read through it three times and each time I've stopped to make sure I got them all. Great job!!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01591459839855342886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-43699654293386763322014-02-23T15:57:47.127-05:002014-02-23T15:57:47.127-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Carl Hackmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03095336278626569509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-58670311681979841342014-02-23T15:53:13.226-05:002014-02-23T15:53:13.226-05:00I love the humor in your pitch! That's hard to...I love the humor in your pitch! That's hard to pull off, imho, and you did a fantastic job. I also love the idea of height being a mark of power. This sounds like such a fun read! <br /><br />My only nitpick is regarding the first sentence. It's a bit adjective heavy, imho. Blinding, blue, billowing, dark, and acrid, is a lot of descriptors for one sentences to carry. Most often, one or two strong adjectives are more powerful than many crammed together. Also, I think you could make it a bit more active and immediate. Ex: Blinding light flashed across the room... Of course, feel free to ignore if you disagree. :) <br /><br />I'd keep reading this, for sure!CherylAnne Hamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02324135447961686703noreply@blogger.com