tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post7761006874686042776..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #45: SHATTEREDMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-84589855008457635302014-09-02T11:11:17.304-04:002014-09-02T11:11:17.304-04:00The opening line--hanging out by itself as its own...The opening line--hanging out by itself as its own paragraph--worked well for me. <br /><br />I also liked the exposition in the first paragraph or two (I got a clear picture of the setting right away...I love any story with a castle:)), but I needed dialogue sooner than where it comes in your first couple of pages. What I'm really interested in personally is the MC and Marcus. I want more of that! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02977633296121058060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-72719938360490637372014-09-01T19:16:11.311-04:002014-09-01T19:16:11.311-04:00I also enjoyed the opening line--I thought it was ...I also enjoyed the opening line--I thought it was a nice hook into the scene. I'm a fan of historical settings, but I'd love to know just a little more here about the actual time and place. Are there hints (language clues, etc.) than you can give us? I'm also wondering if there's any connection between the secret she's hiding from her father and the Servant Exchange--and how it is that she's never heard of the exchange before? It seems like a big deal and she's rightly horrified, but having a big secret from her dad and discovering this earth-shattering thing may be too much for the first chapter unless they are somehow connected (otherwise, I might suggest choosing just one until readers get oriented a little more in your world).Rosalynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13533288555696717340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-25068620901497697292014-08-30T22:11:11.173-04:002014-08-30T22:11:11.173-04:00You've done a good job with the descriptions a...You've done a good job with the descriptions and dialogue here, giving me insight to your world and your characters' relationships. My one suggestion is to cut out the exposition about what she's done--which was unclear--and instead focus on her anxiety in the present scene, until Marus comes in. There'll be time to find out what she did later.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-57754623611422123802014-08-29T12:22:06.837-04:002014-08-29T12:22:06.837-04:00"Her father was going to be furious when he f..."Her father was going to be furious when he found out." Good opening - reader immediately wants to know what the fuss is about.<br /><br />There's a good sense of urgency and impending disaster if her father finds out about whatever it is that's happened before she gets where she's going. <br /><br />A few small suggestions: <br /><br />"Saints above, just get on with it." <-- Perhaps this could come muttered under her breath, rather than in the voice of the narration?<br /><br />"Her father was there, ignorant as to what she was up to." <-- I don't think you need to say this explicitly. You've done such a good job with showing this to the reader already. Namely, that she's avoiding her father and that there will be hell to pay when he discovers (whatever it is) that's happened. <br /><br />I also would have expected her to try and change the subject rather than admit that she's hiding something so openly to Marus. I'd like to see more of their verbal interplay. <br /><br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14820659522541825744noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-90065708798353076272014-08-27T17:44:40.082-04:002014-08-27T17:44:40.082-04:00I really enjoyed the world building in this one an...I really enjoyed the world building in this one and the sense of urgency in those first pages. I also felt like the dialogue added more depth to the characters; if I had any suggestion, it would be to incorporate Marus a little sooner. Best of luck to you! Laurie Dennisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01089552813955890768noreply@blogger.com