tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post7736985481849638981..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #18: NIKITA WHITFIELD AND THE BUTTERFLY EATERMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-66979589802443118832015-02-26T16:09:43.642-05:002015-02-26T16:09:43.642-05:00just a thought but maybe trim it closer to the inc...just a thought but maybe trim it closer to the inciting incident. I know you need some grounding and connection to the MC before you jump into all the crazy but maybe getting closer to the point of tension will help.Jamie Krakoverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16808802721340647047noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-35816673188690300982015-02-24T15:17:53.908-05:002015-02-24T15:17:53.908-05:00Great stuff! Isn't it amazing how much our wr...Great stuff! Isn't it amazing how much our writing takes on our passions ie Xmen etc. The info you provided is spot on to my questions... bummed that I can't learn super powers... wha whaaa.. excited to know what 'the incident' is! Good Luck my friend! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-83855388162515173572015-02-24T13:41:37.643-05:002015-02-24T13:41:37.643-05:00Also, I LOVE the dwarf and the bear =)Also, I LOVE the dwarf and the bear =)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07080314722070284890noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-73904451308331560532015-02-24T13:40:28.191-05:002015-02-24T13:40:28.191-05:00Pitch:
Wow, cool idea! I'm not sure what "...Pitch:<br />Wow, cool idea! I'm not sure what "fighting against kingslayers and classmates alike" means. Also, how will this make her choose between being a damsel or an avenger? I think some more details about this process may make the stakes clearer.<br /><br />First Page:<br />Who's Dean? I was confused, because your MC is named Nikita. Is Dean a nickname? I'd make the first name you mention that of your MC. Also, I've always heard that agents don't want stories that start with dream sequences. Yours doesn't really do that, but the bit with her mom sort of toes the line. I think it's a really interesting portal into your character's mind, but just something to think about.<br /><br />I'd read more--good luck!<br /><br />Domenic (#28)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07080314722070284890noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-74648419193041554972015-02-22T11:50:27.876-05:002015-02-22T11:50:27.876-05:00Hi Lesley,
Thanks for the comments.
Pitch: Absol...Hi Lesley,<br /><br />Thanks for the comments.<br /><br />Pitch: Absolutely hear you on the questions/vague stakes. The word count is an issue, but I was also finding that including those answers was bringing on more questions, so I ultimately scrubbed it. I'll continue to think about these as I revise, however.<br /><br />To answer the questions: Her uncle shows up and convinces her parents to send her there at the graduation. And, in becoming a Technician, she gets involved with Bear King, who in turn has enemies--these are the folks alluded to. <br /><br />Playing around with the pitch, still--thanks for the comments.<br /><br />First page: I thought the comments on the balloons and the graduation in the first full paragraph were sufficient grounding, but fair comments as well. <br /><br />Things to think about as I revise. Thanks and good luck in the contest! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-29555025143806110332015-02-22T11:42:36.216-05:002015-02-22T11:42:36.216-05:00Hi MPEagles,
Ha! Yeah, I think the HP comp is ine...Hi MPEagles,<br /><br />Ha! Yeah, I think the HP comp is inevitable with this kind of story (not that I'd ever mention it in a pitch) but even as a huge X-Men fan, my mind didn't go there. I'm a big manga/manhua fan, so more of the inspiration comes from that side, but interesting comment.<br /><br />Pitch: I hear you on stakes and am playing around with this stuff again. I was finding that answering these questions was either tough because of the word count or because the answers only brought out more questions...so I'll have to ponder this some. I'm throwing some ideas around.<br /><br />Unfortunately, not just anyone can be a Technician without some qualifications, ha. <br /><br />And re: "means"--the repetition does seem like it might be off, agreed. Working on that as well.<br /><br />250: Comment heard loud and clear. I commented above, but it's where the inciting incident happens and it comes back at the end (and Nikita's sister is supposed to be a foil for her, so the chapter is to bring that out as well). Still, things to think about as I revise.<br /><br />Thanks for the comments and best of luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-5098600169668075022015-02-22T10:21:55.485-05:002015-02-22T10:21:55.485-05:00Hi Jamie!
Thanks for the comment. I've gone b...Hi Jamie!<br /><br />Thanks for the comment. I've gone back and forth on the starting place in the past, actually. My issue is the inciting incident happens in this chapter, and this chapter comes back at the end, so I've been reluctant to cut it. But I'll keep this in mind as I edit.<br /><br />Good luck to you in the contest as well!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-33593179447307233542015-02-21T23:45:03.582-05:002015-02-21T23:45:03.582-05:00Good Evening Author,
First must say I like the Ha...Good Evening Author, <br />First must say I like the Harry Potter meets the Xmen feel of this one. <br />Pitch: <br />Why is she fighting other Technicians? Need some beef on the 'what's at stake'<br />Does everyone have the power to become a Technician or is this something that can be learned by anyone... if it's anyone I'm going back to school. Do you have an address? <br />The word mean is used a lot towards the end of the pitch. <br />250<br />I wasn't sure what was going on at first. All I knew was that she had a headache. Consider a setting that gives a more personal feel to the story instead of someone else's exciting adventure ie graduation. <br />I am a fan of both HP and Xmen, so this has some potential, but may need some polishing. <br />Good Luck <br />Fellow Competitor & Writing Friend #35<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-69009172774258223432015-02-20T19:41:51.761-05:002015-02-20T19:41:51.761-05:00The pitch sells the Technicians and the academy we...The pitch sells the Technicians and the academy well. If I was fourteen, I'd want to go there. I feel like the pitch would be stronger if it was more specific about the conflict mentioned in the final paragraph. Why does she have to oppose that group of stronger Technicians?<br /><br />Although it's only a one sentence description, I want to see that dwarf and bear.eltsmithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03971566598260327810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-12210462297382944832015-02-20T18:26:56.719-05:002015-02-20T18:26:56.719-05:00PS. Would love to connect with you so give me a fo...PS. Would love to connect with you so give me a follow on twitter and I'll follow you back :) https://twitter.com/KristaWaymentKristahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10348921731053503531noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-8034564788325615622015-02-20T17:44:49.203-05:002015-02-20T17:44:49.203-05:00I really like your pitch and your premise. I found...I really like your pitch and your premise. I found the repetition of the word "means" towards the end of the pitch a little distracting.<br /><br />Love the opening.Kristahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10348921731053503531noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-21516884414800233522015-02-20T17:26:15.579-05:002015-02-20T17:26:15.579-05:00Pitch: It has lots of intriguing details, but I’d ...Pitch: It has lots of intriguing details, but I’d like to know more specifics about what sets things in motion. How does she get to go to the school without knowing what it is? What pits her against all these enemies? It’s true there’s a word limit and you don’t want to give too much away, but it would help to understand a little more about the stakes/obstacles. If the mother and sister don’t figure much in the story, they might be minimized.<br /><br />First page: You might consider landing the reader in a more concrete place/scene. It took me until the end to realize the setting was the actual graduation ceremony. Is she sitting in a row of seats? Is her mother not sitting near her, making it necessary for her to hunt for her? The upsetting vision is intriguing, but it would help to have a clearer picture of what it’s juxtaposed against.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-46765884249109674692015-02-20T10:57:51.668-05:002015-02-20T10:57:51.668-05:00I absolutely love the concept here but I'm not...I absolutely love the concept here but I'm not sure you are starting your story in the right place. I'm not sure what her sister's graduation has to do with Nikita's journey. I'd love to see a glimpse of this amazing sounding world in the opening.<br /><br />Good luck in pitch plus one!Jamie Krakoverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16808802721340647047noreply@blogger.com