tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post7303924292260275109..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #19: THE LOST PEARLS OF INDARNINIMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-2647394108596350762014-08-30T10:19:56.726-04:002014-08-30T10:19:56.726-04:00The descriptions here are really powerful, and by ...The descriptions here are really powerful, and by the end I felt engaged with the scene. I'm sure that the choice of not naming the girl is intentional for reasons explained later, but I felt a little distant from her. I think knowing her name and a little more about her would make me feel more connected. Best of luck to you!Laurie Dennisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01089552813955890768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-36834294841560492042014-08-29T23:21:42.811-04:002014-08-29T23:21:42.811-04:00There's a lot of tension here already, and you...There's a lot of tension here already, and you thrust the MC--and the reader--into the situation at once. Sometimes I felt like the character actions didn't make sense. For example, the guard tells her not to bleed in front of the king, but then he gives her a gash on her head. Also, the MC is frightened and dazed, and out of nowhere spits at the king, which I didn't expect from her at all. I wanted to see more of that attitude in the beginning to have that moment make sense for her character.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-22375967207741957362014-08-29T17:55:23.206-04:002014-08-29T17:55:23.206-04:00Your prose is very clear, and it's easy to fol...Your prose is very clear, and it's easy to follow the action.<br /><br />One small suggestion would be to break up the descriptions of the castle and the king with more dialog, or perhaps just rearrange things a bit. <br />There are four paragraphs from: <br /> “Look up and face me, girl.”<br />to: <br /> “You know why you are here, girl?”<br /><br />And there's such urgency to the scene that it's hard to be pulled away from the confrontation. <br /><br />Good luck!<br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14820659522541825744noreply@blogger.com