tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post6960759245151163446..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #11: CLASS CLOWNMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-83491668772959857152014-03-07T09:56:32.001-05:002014-03-07T09:56:32.001-05:00Pitch was good though I thought pages were a littl...Pitch was good though I thought pages were a little more clear. <br /><br />I like the premise. I hope that you can manage not to go too over the top with the clown stuff though because I'd like to think that her parents still have some sense of what normal is… not too much of a parody of parents I mean. I loved her brother in this small opening. Loved him. I would try dialing back on the "likes" I don't think you need it to sound like a teen. Deleting the line, Today I couldn't help smile back would delete some repetition. It's clever. She's a fish out of water, so hopefully she's a character teens can relate to, even if her experience is different. Find the similarities in FEELINGS. Good luck! AYAP Judge 1https://www.blogger.com/profile/16182849395867360908noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-60051999137719924972014-03-04T16:56:02.180-05:002014-03-04T16:56:02.180-05:00What a fun premise! I think the pitch is well writ...What a fun premise! I think the pitch is well written. Except beware in the final paragraph, you have echoes, "When her parents" and "When the circus". And "one extraordinary quest" seems vague to me. How about something more specific, from Clara's pov? So it's funny or awkward or weird like the beginning paragraphs. "When her parents showed up to school in clown costume, it was the circus all over again. But everyone was pointing and laughing at her instead." Or something like that, if you understand? Make it more personal.<br /><br />Good strong opening. Describe the school for me. What is normal? Is it gray? Is it boring? Is she so excited to see gray and boring? "The knot in my stomach...and his cheeks were too tight" confused me. Do you mean HER cheeks were too tight. If you meant dad's cheeks were too tight (so he's feeling stressed himself), then rephrase. Separate? I'd like to know how old Red is? Red, my eight year old brother... the visuals of Red miming is great and funny.<br /><br />"I thought about this day a lot" or I HAD thought about this day a lot? The former would mean she's been looking back on this first day of school a lot. The latter, that she had been thinking about it a lot before and now here she is.<br /><br />A very fun MG premise and a strong start in both pitch and opening. Good luck!Judge Sixhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08195159150518993003noreply@blogger.com