tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post6928972459976821884..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #24: THE DEATH MECHANICMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-13614222482737837682014-08-30T14:33:17.235-04:002014-08-30T14:33:17.235-04:00I enjoyed the voice here, and the different take o...I enjoyed the voice here, and the different take on zombies. I imagined the first "scene" as a diary entry, or something similar, though I agree that beginning at scene 2 may ground the reader more quickly. Best of luck to you!Laurie Dennisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01089552813955890768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-41390596070804997162014-08-30T13:03:39.800-04:002014-08-30T13:03:39.800-04:00Interesting take on zombies. Almost "28 Days ...Interesting take on zombies. Almost "28 Days Later" style. The numbering confused me, and I didn't know if these were chapter breaks or a list. The beginning, as it is, consists of a lot of exposition, which can bog a reader down at the beginning of a new story. I would save all this explanation for later, after you hint at the fact that there's a sickness (and you already use important key words such as germs and hospital to establish this).<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-86409245643393802522014-08-29T17:09:39.345-04:002014-08-29T17:09:39.345-04:00I'm not sure if the numbering is just to note ...I'm not sure if the numbering is just to note your scenes, but I just skipped over it - not sure the formatting came through as intended.<br />____<br /><br />The fascinating thing about your world is that unlike other zombie stories, civil society hasn't totally collapsed. They have hospitals, researchers, and family's are still sitting down to dinner like it's a normal day. That captured my interest.<br /><br />I actually think these pages might be stronger if you just started from section 2 - where you talk about the construction of the hospital - and maybe intersperse those descriptions of the main characters germaphobia(rightfully so!) throughout the other scenes, rather than giving them all at once. I actually don't think you need to describe the zombies directly - not yet - but maybe if your main character takes the internship we can 'ride-along' with him if he finds himself encountering one of the patients, and learn about them that way. <br /><br />Nice twist on a popular theme.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14820659522541825744noreply@blogger.com