tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post6817416964928293289..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #45: The Hunt for the Heavenly HorseMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-60360186051192931842015-02-23T19:32:54.073-05:002015-02-23T19:32:54.073-05:00Pitch: I’ll just add to what others have helpfully...Pitch: I’ll just add to what others have helpfully covered. Consider ending with only two more sentences after the armies divide. One sentence for the difficulties Tagan must face (sandstorms, starvation, brutal treatment) and another for why it’s worth it for him to persevere in order to save his horse. I do think there’s a need for more historical fiction, especially set in Asia. But I also think you should make it clear why this is YA since it could easily be MG instead. <br /><br />First page: I love the first sentence (holding a goat carcass by one leg!) and think this is a great scene to start with. Great way to introduce us to the time and place, as well as the character and his connection with his horse.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-50545251057873811022015-02-21T19:57:25.034-05:002015-02-21T19:57:25.034-05:00I agree with the above statements about the title ...I agree with the above statements about the title and the usage of "had." The POV in the first page also confuses me, as it switches between Tagan and Kutcha. I think it may read more smoothly if it's just through Tagan's eyes? Just a thought though, as this is only the first page!<br /><br />This story reads "War Horse" to me in a good way. I think tightening up the action verbs will really compell readers to find out what happens. <br /><br />Good luck!<br /><br />#28Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07080314722070284890noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-77778433480981591152015-02-21T00:28:56.214-05:002015-02-21T00:28:56.214-05:00Good Evening Author,
Three votes for deletion of ...Good Evening Author, <br />Three votes for deletion of title in Pitch<br />Tagen is more of a traditional German name or word which roughly translates to dawning, or daybreak. <br />I like the focus of 'get the horse at all cost'. <br />How is he getting all of his info on where to look for his horse? <br />What happens with the relationship with Shan? It kind of leaves it hanging in the Pitch. <br />If he is captive? Was he not Chinese before? I am struggling with how he is captive but able to get all of this info on the location of his horse? If he isn't Chinese and is simple a POW how can he communicate/get info. <br />Very good story line, and I'm sure that you answer all my questions in the pages after your first. <br />PS Grammar people correct me but shouldn't there be " " around Give up the goat and stay on your horse, because he 'told himself'? <br />Keep up the great work!<br />Fellow Competitor & Writing Friend.<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-71889858946094036662015-02-20T21:16:08.330-05:002015-02-20T21:16:08.330-05:00This sounds like a historical Asian Black Beauty, ...This sounds like a historical Asian Black Beauty, and an unusual premise.<br /><br />I agree with deleting the title and genre. You can still say "Set along the ancient Silk Road as the beginning of the next sentence and you've given us time and setting. I would change the question to a statement-"...but must survive the sandstorms and near starvation on the journey first." Definitely make your last statement about the stakes-what choice does your MC need to make that could affect the outcome? I agree with above comment about revising to eliminate the "had"s. Make the action real time, even in past tense. That one fix will make this a nice opener, showing the close relationship between the boy and his horse. Good luck! (#38)<br />Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00601415592841037784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-25310042649476666772015-02-20T11:39:23.761-05:002015-02-20T11:39:23.761-05:00I would delete the title and genre from your pitch...I would delete the title and genre from your pitch and use the extra words to describe the book in more detail. Usually in pitches there is space above for title/genre, as there is in this case. The POV should be that of your main character, not of you, the writer so don't start with "MY". Also cut "It's about" and just start with "Tagan sets out to recapture his horse from the Chinese army" because that's interesting! And you want to interest your reader from the first word. "Tagan waits to learn the fate of his horse" - always best to have characters ACTING, not WAITING. Slows the story down. Be careful of overusing the word "had" because it slows the action. I like the idea of a book set on the Silk Road. Best of luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08697166619478748131noreply@blogger.com