tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post6375006208331636004..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #18: THE SECRETS WE SHAREMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-16195240512349273622014-09-19T06:00:54.761-04:002014-09-19T06:00:54.761-04:00The opening is so good - and hard to read. You'...The opening is so good - and hard to read. You've nailed the conflicting feelings.<br /><br />I think the start of the pitch is a little confusing - nothing actually HAPPENS in the first sentence, so I'm not sure what the rest of it is two years later than. Does she not still have the secret two years later? Does the pitch need to start with her being seventeen?<br /><br />The voice is SO STRONG in your first five pages (and the transition doesn't bother me!) - I just think the pitch needs some umph. Because we have no idea what the secrets are (from the pitch, at least), we don't really get a sense of the stakes. There's a big difference between secrets like 'I once stole a candy bar' and 'I killed my brother', obviously. We don't need to know exactly what the secrets are, but we do need a sense that they're not at the 'I once stole a candy bar' end of the spectrum.<br /><br />I love the first five pages - great work!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17165476300074983728noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-13312706579347035992014-09-17T20:39:44.753-04:002014-09-17T20:39:44.753-04:00I adore your opening. Greta's voice, the setup...I adore your opening. Greta's voice, the setup, her conflicting feelings about herself and what happened, all of it worked for me. <br /><br />I find myself being broken from it when we transition, though. Your heading lets me know that we're moving in time and space, but I've only just gotten to know Greta. While we do get a small catchup for what's been going on in the last few years, the transition is still jarring to me. I think it might help if I actually saw her decision to move out to Bolt's hometown instead of being told about it in hindsight. That would give me sort a plot catalyst, the thing that the protagonist does or the choice they make that sets the story in motion. The big thing that changes. Otherwise, I jump to her standing outside of Bolt's house, and I wonder why she's there. And, while it's summarized in her lovely wry voice, it might give you a little more weight. <br /><br />I hope that helps!Write Brainhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13438017639752499768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-81916877902838872812014-09-14T22:38:28.478-04:002014-09-14T22:38:28.478-04:00I think the pitch is written well, but it's a ...I think the pitch is written well, but it's a little too vague in regards to the MC's story and the stakes. Specifically, the part about her secret and how much it plays a factor in her life. What sort of secret is this? That she had a non-consensual sexual experience, or slept with a lot of guys? You don't have to tell the reader what the secret is, but giving a clue would really help, i.e. "A secret about her father's identity," "A secret about a long-lost sibling," "A secret about her best friend's murder," something along those lines.<br /><br />I really love the beginning of this story; the voice is perfectly fitted for your character. It started to read a little clunkier when Tristan came into the mix, though. I wanted to see more of a connection between them, but it felt a little bit forced. Maybe because they're mostly talking about Greta's musician crush. I wanted to see why Greta might like him.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-75173049845034894842014-09-10T23:08:02.929-04:002014-09-10T23:08:02.929-04:00Thank you for your feedback, especially in what mo...Thank you for your feedback, especially in what more you would like to see in the pitch. I appreciate it so much. Greta's story is important, so I really value your input as to how to make her pitch shine:) Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02977633296121058060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-46288797421535545152014-09-10T19:24:49.630-04:002014-09-10T19:24:49.630-04:00I agree with the poster above. You have a strong f...I agree with the poster above. You have a strong first page! But the pitch feels a bit generic since you don't tell us what the secrets are. I get that you might be trying to build tension in the pitch, but letting us know a bit more information would make your story stand out more, I think. Ravon Silviushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01898292882472189056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-40937238181405586662014-09-10T16:48:01.091-04:002014-09-10T16:48:01.091-04:00While most recommend not starting with a flashback...While most recommend not starting with a flashback or back story, I think it works here. <br /><br />You really nailed Greta's voice, showing her anguish about the choices she's made in life. As a reader, I really felt like I was in her head, which isn't easy to do when writing first person pov.<br /><br />Could you give a few more details in your pitch about what the story is about? Secrets. They both have them, and we know from your first five pages what Greta's secret may be. I assume sleeping with many guys? Although that's not all that unusual for a fifteen-year-old.<br /><br />But, I want to think there's more to the story than just having, then sharing their secrets, enough for 70,000 words.. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16519250456239966742noreply@blogger.com