tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post5941585196623609922..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #86 - CAMP CAMMOODLE Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-83732574777914401602014-03-01T18:07:43.566-05:002014-03-01T18:07:43.566-05:00I love your description of Camp Cammodle and the n...I love your description of Camp Cammodle and the names of his friends, esp. Larry and Lizard. This query pulled me right in but I agree with the others that you need a better set up for the Chute. Dark and dangerous isn't enough, we need a hint of what it actually is, to understand why his friend needs to be saved from it. AYAP Judge Twohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02686657575192030157noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-84048462236734888422014-03-01T01:44:32.320-05:002014-03-01T01:44:32.320-05:00Judge comment: This is great except for the last l...Judge comment: This is great except for the last line. Because you haven't mentioned these sudden awful stakes. What's the Chute? And why does his friend need saving from it?Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-65454688060534162122014-03-01T00:30:34.671-05:002014-03-01T00:30:34.671-05:00I think you need to allude earlier to the fact tha...I think you need to allude earlier to the fact that Camp Cammoodle has a secret (or at least, that's what I presume the chute is). The first paragraph could be tightened a lot to give you the extra words you need.Kara Reynoldshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07147342389371681730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-28585120892334726832014-02-28T17:53:36.044-05:002014-02-28T17:53:36.044-05:00Thanks! What if the query added the capitalized ...Thanks! What if the query added the capitalized words: from the fate of the DARK and DANGEROUS Chute.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16464315494648871114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-55301676518778141582014-02-26T18:44:00.302-05:002014-02-26T18:44:00.302-05:00This pitch pulled me along smoothly into all the a...This pitch pulled me along smoothly into all the aspects of the story, until the last line. Came screeching to a halt because I'm not sure if The Chute is a person or a place or a situation, or what. So the part of your pitch that really needs to have punch--the stakes and consequences--just fizzles out. I know it's difficult to work within 150 words, but maybe the first paragraph could be tightened up, and the words gained could help with the ending? Good luck!AYAP Judge 1https://www.blogger.com/profile/16182849395867360908noreply@blogger.com