tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post5117664454078570585..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #7: THE WITCH'S BREWMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-85333840674786140172014-03-06T19:28:03.359-05:002014-03-06T19:28:03.359-05:00I really loved the opening page--loved it. But I w...I really loved the opening page--loved it. But I was also incredibly shocked to reach the end and discover the heroine is only 15 (first year in high school, right?). She feels much older. I can't imagine someone who hasn't even started their freshman years saying "2x2 hell." I'm sure there are plenty of 15-year-olds out there who DO behave as adult as this MC, but not *most* of the 15-year-olds I've met. Other than aging up your heroine or else toning down the self-deprecating, dark tone, I'm not sure what to tell you on how to fix this. With regards to the pitch, I think it's critical that you introduce from the beginning that this is fantasy. I was SHOCKED when the word Witch was introduced in the second paragraph (and I was also wondering why there was such a childish name as Dark Forest). Then I realized we weren't dealing with a contemporary but a story with some paranormal/fantasy elements. I think those elements are very cool, but you want to make sure that it's clear this isn't just another contemporary right from your opening line. Even when I reached the end of the pitch, I still didn't understand what sort of genre mash-up I was dealing with or how fantastical the world is. Make sure it's clear from the start.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10317642978167085055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-22250909297204707022014-03-05T18:51:25.693-05:002014-03-05T18:51:25.693-05:00Pitch: I found it a little vague. Why is she denie...Pitch: I found it a little vague. Why is she denied her day in court? I wouldn't call this a legal thriller. I suspect it's nothing like one (and I've read a number of them in the past). For one, you have a teen working as a lawyer (?). Since when do they do that in real life? Pick YA fractured fairy tale. It's more of a YA urban fantasy than it is a legal thriller. Also, how is Amy helping? The way it is worded here, she sounds like a lawyer. Do you mean she's helping with the investigation?<br /><br />First page: I wouldn't mind more showing details. Describe the headache instead of telling me that a headache was forming. That's bland. You've got an interesting premise here, you can add much more showing details without bogging the writing down. <br /><br />Why is she waiting for the guard? There's a difference between leaving something out to keep the reader t reading, and leaving it out and confusing the reader. This is one of those things that can go a long way by hinting better in the first paragraph why she's there. <br /><br />Otherwise, good start to the story. <br /><br />Good luck!<br /><br /><br /><br />AYAP JUDGEhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17957753496327994873noreply@blogger.com