tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post4988332157023209935..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #2: THE UNBELIEVABLE MISADVENTURES OF AVERY MANNMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-29282711444576603562014-03-05T23:00:43.215-05:002014-03-05T23:00:43.215-05:00Thanks, Judge Ten (the Second)!
I'm glad you ...Thanks, Judge Ten (the Second)!<br /><br />I'm glad you liked the first page. As for the pitch, I'll work on those elements you pointed out and see if I can rework some of the sentence to fit in the details you're interested in. It's a tricky business this 150 pitch, but definitely worth the time and effort to get right.<br /><br />Also, I'm happy to hear you like the Wicked Witch twist. It is one of my favorite things about writing this story... I had no idea it was going to go down that way, but was pleasantly surprise when I had the "AHA!" moment that lead me to realize Avery needed to free her.<br /><br />Best Wishes,<br />Joseph Joseph Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12712270182152823454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-348228635546574472014-03-05T21:19:17.470-05:002014-03-05T21:19:17.470-05:00I really enjoyed the first page. It's comical,...I really enjoyed the first page. It's comical, fast-paced, and endearing, with a terrific voice and a lot of relevant information inserted naturally! Bravo! I don't have any real suggestions for the writing here; I think the page is extremely strong. I personally found the pitch a little bit overstuffed, yet vague. I don't know what it means that he's either a "pawn" (or "caught up") in an inter-dimensional conspiracy, and I crave a few details. Was he in the wrong place at the wrong time? Was he chosen for this role because of a specific trait he possesses as a human boy? What does he have that the magi, witches, monsters, and storybook villains are using him for in their battle? What is the inter-dimensional conspiracy? I think you can tone down a bit of the wordplay. "Tangled web of wackiness" implies that the consequences aren't dire, but the next sentence suggests they're VERY dire. (I'd also nix the phrase "needless to say" and change "game of four-way chess" to simply "supernatural chess match.") I LOVE that he needs to free the Wicked Witch from Hell. It's unexpected and great. I think you've got solid writing skills and a fun story to tell! I might just suggest making the pitch a bit clearer.Judge Tenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08947960989334705878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-45625352028743841672014-03-04T15:48:57.426-05:002014-03-04T15:48:57.426-05:00Thanks Judge Ten, especially for your notes on the...Thanks Judge Ten, especially for your notes on the first page. Those are great points and I'll work on them during my next round of revisions.<br /><br />Best Wishes,<br />JosephJoseph Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12712270182152823454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-11797930734420851572014-03-04T15:45:12.527-05:002014-03-04T15:45:12.527-05:00Thanks, Z!
I'm glad you liked the pitch and b...Thanks, Z!<br /><br />I'm glad you liked the pitch and being on any mama's bookshelf would be awesome! ;)<br /><br />Best Wishes,<br />JosephJoseph Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12712270182152823454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-32022229022076128102014-03-03T20:19:04.648-05:002014-03-03T20:19:04.648-05:00This pitch has lots of clever details in it, which...This pitch has lots of clever details in it, which makes it easy to read. Great voice. We have story goal right away. <br /><br />The opening page is also well done. With six older brothers, we already feel for Avery, knowing how he probably gets tossed around and teased. <br /><br />A couple of notes: <br /><br />Instead of "various flowers," maybe consider being specific. Roses? Gardenias that remind him of Aunt Mable?<br /><br />"Gah!" At first I wondered if someone else had said it. I had to read it twice to see that it was Avery speaking. Maybe a bit of action before that would help clarify.<br /><br />"...smacked into my face." At first I thought someone smacked him with the paper. After reading it again I realized it flew into his face, right? So I wonder if "...flew into my face" would be more clear? Just something to think about.<br /><br />Otherwise, great job. Judge Tenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08947960989334705878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-77476712132121050202014-03-03T09:51:15.205-05:002014-03-03T09:51:15.205-05:00Sometimes I wish I were clever enough to write MG....Sometimes I wish I were clever enough to write MG. This is amazing. I love the voice of the pitch, especially. It sounds like the perfect book to get a reluctant kid wanting to read. Well done. Avery would be a welcome addition to this mama's bookshelf!Zhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03396346802698292695noreply@blogger.com